I See What You Did There

So, I'm not going to lie. I've felt like crap the past couple of weeks. But I feel better today and I know I'm on the mend because I'm feeling the evil being pushed out by righteous indignation.

I'm watching the football game the other night, right? And NBC is rolling out its new fall schedule. One program, Undercovers, seems like a sort of Mr. and Mrs. Smith for prime time. Except, and here's the kicker, the couple is black. No kidding. In prime time. Then there's an ad for Outsourced. Guess what that's about? Okay, I'll tell you. A call center is moved to India and hilarity ensues when Veejay/Namish/Rajeev puts on a Texan/Midwestern/SoCal Surfer accent.

The NBC slogan for these shows? "More Colorful."

Really? No, I mean, really?

The Facebook Inspirational Status

Dear Facebook Friends Who Insist On Posting Inspirational Sayings As Your Status,


I understand that sometimes you might be having a bad day and need a few words to help keep your chin up. We've all been there, man. And, look, I know that you've been going through this weird separation with your spouse/significant other/object of obsession. I feel for you, I do. And I know that right now, that Lady Antebellum/Usher/Lionel Ritchie song is really speaking to you. Speaking, yes, for you in your time of pain.

And honey, I know–I KNOW– you want to get to the point where you can dance like no one is watching. I KNOW that even though it's your third time down the aisle, that "Butterfly Kisses" song is just as appropriate as it was the first time, and I KNOW you cry like a baby when you hear it because it reminds you of that time you told your sweet daddy you would fly to heaven on your winged pony and wipe away the tears Jesus shed when your cat Snickers died, but you need to do like the rest of us: PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND SHUT UP. 

And you, you who aren't content to write a line or two. You can't leave it at a simple, "Live, Laugh, Love." NO. You have to give it the old, "Hang in there, kitty. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about living, laughing, loving in the rain while you dance often in the rain with butterfly kisses and pony tears while it's raining like no one is watching. Real friends are the smile only the soul can see when you carry them in one set of footprints like the flowers of life friends are. Remember that the road to a friend's house is never long when you are living in the rain like no one is listening. And may your walls know joy and your windows open to possibility while you are laughing. In the rain. If you believe there is a plan for you to live, laugh, love and dance in the rain like no one is watching, copy and paste this into your status line. 97% of people won't. Will you?"

Yes, I enjoy The Tao of Facebook as much as anyone. I've been known to post my own inspirational messages. Like the time I publicly announced I did not want to see Eat, Pray, Love as I figured if enlightenment was going to come from a Julia Roberts movie, I'd have been shown the light sometime between The Pelican Brief and Oceans Eleven. Okay, maybe my message wasn't inspirational as much as it references something inspirational. Whatever. And I know we're all pretty much guilty of posting inspirational song lyrics now and then (Southern Culture On The Skids "Camel Walk", anyone? No? Just me?), but I think if you are over, oh, sixteen, and still looking to the Top 40 or those little books you get in the Hallmark shop for inspiration, well, I guess all I can tell you is write like no one is reading.



It’s Really A Miracle He Watches Anything With Me.

ME: So, wait, I don't understand this movie. It's been at least thirty years since whatever happened happened, and they are still living in some vast desert world with little water and no trees. But there are birds, no one's sunburned, and none of the women seem to have hairy armpits or to have missed a visit to a salon.

HUSBAND: Hmmm…I don't know. Let me pause this movie that I have never seen to explain concepts I know no more about than you do, and, oh, did I mention IT'S A MOVIE??!!