The other day I noticed an odd add on my Facebook page. Between the FOODS NEVER TO EAT and OBAMA WANTS MOMS TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL ads was one that featured a picture of a pregnant belly. The ad read, “GET PREGNANT NATURALLY! NO PILLS! NO DRUGS!”
So when did Sex get an ad campaign? When did Sex realize it needed a brand marketing guru?
Sex: So, I’m thinking I need my name out there a little more. I want to make sure I stay relevant.
Account Manager: Ah, okay, but you’re Sex. Sex is pretty much on everyone’s lips, so to speak.
Sex: Well, in a way. I mean, Hooking Up’s so hot right now. There’s Quickie, Gettin’ It On, The Nasty, Knockin’ Boots. They’d be nowhere without me, of course. But they’re getting all the attention.
Account Manager: I see.
Sex: Do you? I don’t know, I just, I feel like Blockbuster right now? Like, am I relevant? I don’t want to end up like the Yugo or something. I have this recurring nightmare that people come up to me like, oh, didn’t you used to be Sex? Wow, you’ve changed.
Account Manager: You’re saying that you’re Sex and that you’re not relevant right now? I wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for you, dude.
Sex: I know, I know, Sex sells. But with all this online porn, and jeez, the sex toy business is huge…well, there you go, right there. Adult toys. Adult. Toys. Adult movies, adult bookstores, adult friends, for the love of Mike! People are just taking the Sex right out of it, and that milquetoast Adult gets all the press. Pregnancy? Oh, that’s the worst. There’s like no Sex left in getting knocked up. All these sperm banks and egg banks and in vitro fertilizations are taking me right out of the process. Right out. I was talking to Masturbation the other day, and…
Account Manager: Wait, you were talking to Masturbation?
Sex: Yeah, we’re pretty close. Anyway, he’s getting so much publicity right now. That crazy woman? That Tea Party gal? Jeez, I mean, she’s the best thing to happen to Masturbation in years. He says to me, you know what you need, Sex? You need a re-launch. And that’s why I’m here. I want to be re-branded! I want fresh, I want hip! I want a social network! Twitter, I want The Twitter! Oh, and a new website with hearts and flashing lights and lots of Comic Sans font, and…
Account Manager: Okay, let me stop you right there. I think we need to start by trademarking your name…
Sex: In Comic Sans?
Account Manager: …NO! Stop with the Comic Sans talk! We’ll do a casting call for The New Face of Sex!
Sex: Yeah! Like maybe with The Duggars!
Account Manager: What the hell, Sex?
Sex: Well, they have all those children using good, old-fashioned Sex, right?
Account Manager: I was thinking Christina Hendricks. Listen, Sex, I need you to trust me on this, okay? We’ve got to go with a what’s-old-is-new-again approach.
Sex: Retro? I like, I like. Martinis and Sex, am I right?
Account Manager: Something like that. But, look, Sex, if I’m going to run your campaign, I need you to do one very important thing.
Sex: Yeah, sure. Name it.
Account Manager: I need you to keep your mouth shut. We can’t have everyone complaining about that noisy Sex.