Siddown. We need to talk about my issues with living, laughing, and loving. It is said one should live well, laugh often, and love much. You know who says that? THE WALLS. Your freaking freaky walls would like to talk to you about your life habits. Like such:
I, obviously, have a few issues here. First? Walls shouldn’t talk. Once the walls start talking, you’re going to have a really hard time selling. Just trust me on this one. Because once the walls start talking, you’re like ten minutes from blood coming out of the vents and your slut friend getting her throat slashed by a deranged clown zombie who used to be a janitor. IT HAPPENS. Now, allow me walk you point by point through some other issues.
- Live Well. Who can live well in this economy, huh? Do you really want your living room mocking you? Do you want your bedroom reminding you that you have resorted to hanging your business suit on the porch overnight because you can’t afford dry cleaning anymore? DO YOU? Perhaps you’d rather have your den remind you to live well while you’re stuffing your pie hole with raw cookie dough while watching your “Gilmore Girls” boxed set? Let’s take a wall decal out of the arrangement. Perhaps it’s a clock, a poster, or (*shudder*) a t-shirt on a teddy bear sitting on your mantel that’s telling you to live well. If you have to be reminded to live well, I’ll pray for your soul because no decorative plaster plaque or photograph of a girl with windblown hair walking on a beach is going to help you.
- Laugh Often. Laughter is the best medicine only if there is no Shiraz in the house. Besides, there are plenty of cases where laughter is not appropriate. For example, when your slut friend is killed by that deranged clown zombie in front of your other dinner guests. Not a good time to laugh, but yet? The painted wooden blocks sitting at jaunty angles on your mantelpiece are telling your otherwise. Fellas, do you really want to be looking at that while you’re, um, with your special someone? Or even when you’re not. In fact, I’d say especially if you’re not. And this is a terrible dictum if you have children. How many times have you had to go all grown-up on your kid’s ass with a WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE? What are you going to do when little Timmy points up at your cross-stitched motto and tells you to suck it? Huh? What then?
- Love Much. I don’t need to tell you how dangerous this one is. “Honey, I thought about not spending the afternoon in the supply closet with Wendy, but then I remembered that adorable rustic wooden sign with the hearts and stars and ducks. You know? The one hanging in the bathroom? And I thought, man, if I don’t tap th–I mean. It just made such an impression on me.” You do not need to love much. Simplify. Love occasionally. It will help with chafing.