Wherein I Respond Directly To An Unknown Reader

I have never responded directly to a reader’s search term, but that’s about to change. Let me explain.

One of the nice Orwellian benefits of a blog is that the blog owner can see most search terms people used to find the blog. There are many good reasons for this, and very few of them have to do with spying on your bedroom. The main reason bloggers can see search terms is for something called SEO, Search Engine Optimization. That’s a nonsense phrase that basically means if you write a blog about baseball, you going to want people who Google the term “baseball” to end up at your blog.

I don’t kiss and tell (publicly, anyway) about the search terms which get me new readers. One, it’s rude. Two, think about what kind of things you Google. Do you want me publicly mocking you? No, no you do not. Neither do I wish you to mock mine. I will, however, share with you some of the things I’ve looked up recently.

  • Who is considered the most liberal president
  • Why does no one agree on the definition of a liberal politician
  • Stockard Channing
  • wacky cake
  • unitarian vs. unitarian univer
  • cotton mather
  • advice and consent
  • cream biscuits
  • perimenopause
  • bypass volume control on Windows 7 machine
  • logopenic  primary progressive aphasia
  • meaning of rubbing gravel or ash in hair
  • powder puff for body powder
  • What are considered the most secure buildings in the US
  • ATT Long Lines Building

That’s just from the last few days. I’m sure those last two have put me on a list somewhere. I was curious what people consider a secure building. The AT&T building, for example, can apparently withstand two weeks worth of nuclear fallout. I’m a little disappointed there’s not anything really fun on the list. Apparently I’ve been in a serious mood. When I wrote for my old blog my Google history was filled with terms like “kitten and fireworks” and “cats eating salsa”. Lookit, I’m not ever going to win a Genius Grant. I’ve come to terms with it.

Within the past couple of weeks a search string popped up which gave me pause. It was “how to get a guy to take off your thong”. I wish to address this.

Ah, so many books have been written about meeting, trapping, keeping, sexing, and changing men. All the advice is along the lines of be yourself, except don’t. Ask what he’s interested in and don’t so much listen, as position your body in such a way he gets the vibe you are interested in what he has to say. Don’t bitch about the fact The Saints are, to date, the ONLY NFL team to be busted for a practice of which they are in NO WAY the only organization guilty. For doing so will challenge his fragile manhood. Don’t drink girly drinks or he’ll think you’re not serious. Don’t drink bourbon or his fragile manhood will be challenged. Don’t eat salad on your first date. Only eat salad on your first date. Never, under any circumstances, eat or drink anything with a tendency to cause gastric distress, for ladies do not poop.

Dismiss all of that immediately, You Who Googled How To Get A Guy To Take Off Your Thong. Dismiss it. I am going to tell you what your mother should have told you and your girlfriend will not because she secretly thinks she’s the pretty one and nothing would make her more gleeful to know that you are having doubts about bedroom etiquette. Here are the two things, and two things only, you need to know about how to get a guy to take your thong off:

  1. Show up.
  2. Tell him to take your thong off.

Repeat as desired.

4 thoughts on “Wherein I Respond Directly To An Unknown Reader

  1. My most popular blog EVER was titled “Phone Sex with the Telemarketer” which was a parody. Honey, I got hits from China, Uzbekistan, and Salt Lake City on that one. Hundreds and hundreds of hits. When I got my first ever visitor from South America, I shed a small tear of joy.

Just spit it out, already!

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