Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Life Mix

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carpenter birdI’ve never used the daily prompt, but I like today’s. WordPress invites us to make a mix tape of our lives. Oh, hell yeah.

In college, I had a friend who was trying to hook me up with another friend of ours. She made me a seduction tape. It involved the likes of Mary Chapin Carpenter and Sade. And, oddly, The Housemartins. I’m willing to bet money Journey and Pearl Jam were involved. Did it work, you ask? PFFFFFT. Hardly. Seduction, thy name is not Susan. I have since learned seduction is less about background music and more about a fine selection of deli meats and, you know, showing up.

My friend Christy always drew intricate doodles on the front of her tapes and my friend Jason was fond of dropping some Ice Cube in the middle of an SST orgy. I liked to be cryptic and then get pissed when YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?? Because hormones. Also I find a well-placed Gershwin tune to be the mix tape equivalent of sorbet between courses.

A good mix tape is a thing of beauty and a joy until you find a box full of old cassettes and no tape player on which to play them. Poor orphaned mixes. I don’t need to go into the importance of proper flow and, obviously, the title. I do not wish to go into specifics of all the reasons I’ve picked these songs. And, to paraphrase Carly Simon, if you know me, you might think this mix is about you. You are probably right. I will, however, break up my mix into three categories: My Life, The Future, and A Connection Between Two  Songs I Cannot Discuss On A Blog My Family Reads But Is Part Of A Master Mix My Husband Has Been Developing In His Head For More Than A Decade.

life mix tape

 

And if you’ve gotten this far, you get a bonus! I forgot a BIG one:

Just Some Notes I Made

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My gorgeous and talented friend Leigh gave me a little notebook that I keep in my purse. I use it to write down titles of books and movies I come across, grocery lists, and random bits of conversation that I want to remember. I was just going through it and found some random notes with absolutely no context AT ALL.

  • Interpretive cave tap isn’t something just everyone can pull off.
  • It’s not like you can soft-shoe in a cave.
  • That’s a go-to-hell Mennonite shed with nice shangles.
  • She’s common as pig tracks.
  • “Think of it as reupholstering. Your face is like a sofa. Every twenty years or  so it gets worn from too many people sitting on it.” (Note: I believe that might be from an Elizabeth Berg novel.)
  • Definitely use grommets.
  • Tell him how the cow ate the cabbage.
  • Then I am a liar and you are a pretty little girl.
  • Plow behind a willing mule.
  • Gassy goblins
  • “I’m not your cleaning-up monkey.”
  • “I think in this case the point IS mute because you aren’t listening to me.”
  • The one about how he beats his meat to make his chili
  • Snot-slinging drunk
  • Drunk as Moody’s goose


I think that’s a novel right there.

Wherein I Respond Directly To An Unknown Reader

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I have never responded directly to a reader’s search term, but that’s about to change. Let me explain.

One of the nice Orwellian benefits of a blog is that the blog owner can see most search terms people used to find the blog. There are many good reasons for this, and very few of them have to do with spying on your bedroom. The main reason bloggers can see search terms is for something called SEO, Search Engine Optimization. That’s a nonsense phrase that basically means if you write a blog about baseball, you going to want people who Google the term “baseball” to end up at your blog.

I don’t kiss and tell (publicly, anyway) about the search terms which get me new readers. One, it’s rude. Two, think about what kind of things you Google. Do you want me publicly mocking you? No, no you do not. Neither do I wish you to mock mine. I will, however, share with you some of the things I’ve looked up recently.

  • Who is considered the most liberal president
  • Why does no one agree on the definition of a liberal politician
  • Stockard Channing
  • wacky cake
  • unitarian vs. unitarian univer
  • cotton mather
  • advice and consent
  • cream biscuits
  • perimenopause
  • bypass volume control on Windows 7 machine
  • logopenic  primary progressive aphasia
  • meaning of rubbing gravel or ash in hair
  • powder puff for body powder
  • What are considered the most secure buildings in the US
  • ATT Long Lines Building

That’s just from the last few days. I’m sure those last two have put me on a list somewhere. I was curious what people consider a secure building. The AT&T building, for example, can apparently withstand two weeks worth of nuclear fallout. I’m a little disappointed there’s not anything really fun on the list. Apparently I’ve been in a serious mood. When I wrote for my old blog my Google history was filled with terms like “kitten and fireworks” and “cats eating salsa”. Lookit, I’m not ever going to win a Genius Grant. I’ve come to terms with it.

Within the past couple of weeks a search string popped up which gave me pause. It was “how to get a guy to take off your thong”. I wish to address this.

Ah, so many books have been written about meeting, trapping, keeping, sexing, and changing men. All the advice is along the lines of be yourself, except don’t. Ask what he’s interested in and don’t so much listen, as position your body in such a way he gets the vibe you are interested in what he has to say. Don’t bitch about the fact The Saints are, to date, the ONLY NFL team to be busted for a practice of which they are in NO WAY the only organization guilty. For doing so will challenge his fragile manhood. Don’t drink girly drinks or he’ll think you’re not serious. Don’t drink bourbon or his fragile manhood will be challenged. Don’t eat salad on your first date. Only eat salad on your first date. Never, under any circumstances, eat or drink anything with a tendency to cause gastric distress, for ladies do not poop.

Dismiss all of that immediately, You Who Googled How To Get A Guy To Take Off Your Thong. Dismiss it. I am going to tell you what your mother should have told you and your girlfriend will not because she secretly thinks she’s the pretty one and nothing would make her more gleeful to know that you are having doubts about bedroom etiquette. Here are the two things, and two things only, you need to know about how to get a guy to take your thong off:

  1. Show up.
  2. Tell him to take your thong off.

Repeat as desired.