You Proved Me Wrong

13 Feb

Mississippi, my beautiful home state, you proved me wrong. I’ve never been so happy about being wrong.

From US District Court Judge Carlton Reeves at the sentencing of James Craig Anderson’s murderers

Well, That Didn’t Take Long

12 Feb

sweet fancy mosesSee, it’s like riding a bike. My righteous indignation is back!!

Explain to me HOW IS THIS NOT BIG GOVERNMENT? You don’t want regulation of oil companies. You don’t want the government telling companies they have to pay for their employees’ whore pills, but this? This magnificent pile of horse excrement is just dandy? From thinkprogress.org:

A Republican lawmaker in Montana wants to prevent women from wearing leggings as pants, and he hopes that his proposed bill to strengthen the state’s indecent exposure law will be a step in that direction.

This week, State Rep. David Moore (R) introduced House Bill 365, which would outlaw “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Under that legislative language, “tight-fitting beige clothing” would likely be banned, according to the local lawmaker.

The Billings Gazette reports that Moore would have preferred to ban yoga pants of all colors; he favors giving the cops the power to arrest people for wearing “provocative” clothing. But HB 365 stops short of that because Moore wasn’t sure whether it would be possible for police to enforce a broader ban.

So.

It’s okay because it’s the state and not the federals? It’s okay because otherwise women might want to dress the way we damn well please even if it’s beyond the scope of taste, reason, and comfort? Men are giant Penis Beasts who can’t control themselves? I’m not sure what we’re about here with the dress codes. People get mad at people whose clothes are too tight, but also mad if they’re too baggy. Take that link if only because the Ocala, FL councilwoman who backs the ban has this to say, “Everyone’s saying I’m targeting young black men…I’m black. I’ve been black for a long time, why would I be targeting black men?” I love everything about that statement. The ridiculous logic. The fact one thing has nothing to do with the other. The idea she may have been born Korean.

Me? I got no issue feeling safe around a dude whose pants are literally around his ankles. What’s he going to do? I mean, he could trip on me to death. And while I wholeheartedly agree that leggings are not pants (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS), just ask any mother of a middle-schooler: You cannot legislate taste.

I am constantly amazed at the way the faux conservative’s mind works. He believes in personal responsibility, goddammit. But can’t be trusted around women in Lycra. Government can’t tell him where he can pray, but we should lock up Muslims. Laws take away our freedoms, but we should outlaw nipples in public. Even when they are being used for their actual purpose because BOOBIES!

I’m just curious. How will this impact ski pants? Isn’t skiing kind of important for the Montana economy? And can’t those things get a little tight?

I’ll be back Monday when I’ll probably go back to talking about drinking fabric softener.

As I Was Saying…

11 Feb

I’ll just let the narrative of where I’ve been for almost a year unfold on its own. In its own time and way. I’ll briefly say that I stopped reading pretty much anything online except anything about hilarious autocorrect incidents. I don’t care how dumb they are, I love that stuff. I made a pledge not to read anything that baited me with CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT SHE DID or LEARN THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK. That cut down on about 80% of my internet time. I didn’t totally quit Facebook, but I walked out on Twitter. I wish I could say I went out and got a life, but if you’ve read this blog at all you know that requires pants. And you’ll know how I feel about pants.

Let me also tell you this up front. I will not be talking about vaccinations. I’m not going down that rabbit hole. I’m not going to talk about how completely selfish, ignorant, fatuous, narcissistic, narrow-minded, and totally asshatted it is not to vaccinate/immunize your children. Nope. Go somewhere else for that. Like here, for example.

What I WILL discuss with impunity is 50 Shades. Because that shit is hysterical. I will also discuss house cleaning, periods, marriages, abortion, gays, straights, blacks, whites, other regional person shades, my parents, my husband (THE SAINT, but no longer The Ham King), the birds in my backyard, my crazy friends, I’d talk about my sane friends if I had any, underwear and lack thereof, my discovery of Outlander, text messages from my mother, the crickets in our storage closet, what I learned from not watching news regularly, and my need of suggestions for a really good concealer and a conditioner that doesn’t smell like an overworked stripper dipped in coconut car freshener.

I’m also taking suggestions about what animal, vegetable, or mineral I should replace the YAAT bird with. Or if I should replace it at all. If I shouldn’t then blerghe or she needs a name, so I’m open to that as well. Standard Life Coach will be making an appearance, so email your questions using the contact form on this page.

Several of you have been kind enough to ask after my imaginary twins Sizzlene and Formicadinette. Sadly, their birth mother who lives in one of those square states has regained custody of them after realizing their earning potential in the child beauty pageant business and Formicadinette’s ability to make a casserole from little more than and can of creamed corn and Velveeta. Since the are imaginary, they will never grow older and can make quite a killing off the Babee Lil’ Miss Shiny Eyelash Glamour Tot pageant circuit. I’m happy for them, obviously. And, quite frankly, Sizzlene’s inability to master the twirl-n-curtsy was really getting on my nerves. For those of you concerned about The Ham King’s sanity, I’m happy to report that he still would like a life-size Cylon Centurion and enjoys a good hat. And he’s still practiced in the art of diplomacy, but he is no longer The Ham King. I suppose he is now The Nonmetallic Thermal And Acoustical Insulation Production King, but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I am extremely happy in his change of kingdoms, as is he.

I was going to finish this post up and go eat delicious homemade chocolate chip and pecan cookies, but I can’t make the damn things. I can’t make chocolate chip cookies. I can make a brown sugar cookie that looks like it should be on the cover of a baking magazine and tastes like eight kinds of heaven, but my chocolate chip cookies ALWAYS come out too cake-like. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But that does mean I have an entire mixing bowl of cookie dough. So there’s that. Any ideas on why EVERY cookie recipe and technique I use comes out wrong would be greatly appreciated. Could it be I’m getting the sugars and butter too fluffy? Maybe it’s my ass’s way of telling me to slow down with the cookies? Whatever, there are no good cookies and no Cheetos in the house, so I haz a sad.

If you are a new reader, welcome. If you are a returning reader, thank you. I shall endeavor to deserve your time. Just kidding. Ima totally waste it and make you have to read Chekhov to get your IQ back up.

2015

7 Feb

yeah and another thingI took a sabbatical that sucked. I left, almost totally, all social media. By that I mean I will always love to Facebook stalk. I just cain’t quit it. There was a little bit of method to this madness. A madness I will explain at a later date because I’ll be writing again, kids. Daddy and I have discussed it and Mommy is a much nicer person when she is vomiting all over the internet (See also: Nicer with Xanax). Okay, so much nicer is a relative term. Like jumbo shrimp. Or funny Jay Leno joke.

Point is, Yeah, And Another Thing will be relaunching next week. Don’t expect a makeover like how Abercrombie and Fitch used to sell hella good waxed hunting jackets, but now they sell clothes for prostitots. It will be better. But not like better like you upgraded from a 2003 Motorola flip to an iPhone 6. More like, um, you changed the oil in your ’77 Gremlin. Yeah. But you still have the original tires, no AC, and just an AM radio.

I know some of you regularly check to see if something new has posted and some of you have been kind enough to contact me to make sure I’d not fallen in a sewer grate. I really appreciate it. I DO THIS FOR YOU!

Notes From A Doctor’s Waiting Room

4 Mar
  1. xanax for dinner It is too cold in the waiting room. This, according to the ladies nearest me. It is apparently a conspiracy that has something to do with insurance fraud.
  2. The coffee table is too small for this space.
  3. The same ladies who are cold and find the interior decorating lacking have just recited the weather report for the next. ten. days.
  4. If you need to feel young and vital, hang out in the waiting room of an eye clinic that primarily does cataract surgery.
  5. All contemporary Christian music sounds the same.
  6. I had forgotten how OBSESSED people in South Mississippi are with precipitation of any sort.
  7. Walmart is “controlled by Benton Arkansas.”
  8. With the prices we are all paying for healthcare, apparently there should be a larger TV in the waiting area.
  9. My next job will be one where I can wear scrubs. Scrubs are awesome.
  10. I have dealt with so many doctors in my life, I get itchy when they don’t just get to the point.
  11. I have used the phrase, “How the cow ate the cabbage” THREE times today and it’s not even noon.
  12. I blame my friend Laura Leigh for number eleven.
  13. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, everyone understands what a come to Jesus is.
  14. There are three floor drains in this room. Whoever decided this should be awarded the Medal of Freedom.
  15. All floors should have drains.
  16. I can leave all my stuff in my chair to go to the restroom because there is no one in this room who could move quickly enough to swipe my stuff before I got back.
  17. People watching should be an Olympic Sport. Both summer and winter.
  18. Husbands who steer their wives through the door by putting their hands on the small of their wives’ backs are the best.
  19. If I ever write a mystery novel, my nom de plume will be Benton Arkansas.
  20. What were we thinking with the whole brown lipstick thing and why is it still a thing?

 

A Brief Update

20 Feb

You know how when a dog gets all in a skunk’s business you’re supposed to bathe him in tomato juice? It doesn’t work on humans.

PARTICULARLY WHEN IT’S SPICY V8 JUICE.

Which reminds me of this time I was at the beach and our neighbor heard that meat tenderizer is good for jellyfish stings so she kept some in her bag. So I get stung by this whale of a jellyfish, come running out of the water, she comes flying towards me and starts liberally dousing me with…wait for it…garlic salt.

Come to think of it, what is it with me and food on my body in emergency situations?

Briefly

20 Feb

tweet yallYes, I’ve been off social media for a while. Didn’t notice? Congratulations, YOU have a life.

Because I have some friends who are having weird horrible days today, let me just tell you that NOT ONLY did I burst into tears in the Auto Zone parking lot, I had to use Fix-A-Flat and CANNOT get the stench off me. I have showered AND rubbed my hands with alcohol. I have just washed my hands with vanilla extract. Now I am high and smell like a delightful baked treat.

YOU ARE WELCOME, INTERNET!!