Yeah! That’s A Deal Breaker!

Y’all! Omigosh! Guys are so funny, rite? But they’re also important, cuddly protectors we must have in our lives or else what’s the point? Do you want to go through the rest of your life not having a date for office parties and weddings? No, we didn’t think so! Here at FakeCosmo, we want to help you help yourself! We talked to lots of dudes about what their personal deal breakers are. Don’t do any of these things, ladies! You don’t want to end up a crazy, fat, lonely, cat-hording, filthy, unlovable, fat, whining, wildebeest!!

  • JayJay from Des Moines sayz: “No hair, ladies. Hair is disgusting, dirty, fat, smelly. I totally will not date a girl with any hair anywhere on her body. It’s gross! I mean, what is this? A ’70s porno?! GROSS!”
  • Fred from Phoenix takes it a step further: “Stubble is a total boner-killer. I mean, yeah, like by the afternoon I have stubble on my face, but it’s on my face. Not my pits. Ladies, if you can’t figure out how NOT to have stubble, I don’t have time for you.”
  • Ned from Saskatoon rounds out the Body Hair Trifecta with: “Do not use my razor. Ever. It makes it dull and disgusting. I don’t want to shave  my face with something you’ve potentially groomed your hooha with. Facial hair does not dull a razor. Body hair does. I don’t want to swap skin cells with you, okay?”
  • From Elrod in Oakland: “A girl’s gotta know how much to eat in front of me or else GROSS! If she orders a salad, I’m like no way. Ana all the way, right? But like if she orders a burger? Are you for real? What a hog! Like if you don’t know what the appropriate middle ground is, I’m outsies.”
  •  Rex in Moab relates: “Ohmigod. Quit talking to your mother! There is no reason for any grown woman over the age of 17 to be talking to her mother! It’s like listening to magpies! I always find a way to sneak a peek at her cell and if her mom’s in her contacts? See ya!”
  • Mark in Chicago has strong feelings about Halloween costumes: “Girl, it’s called Slutoween for a reason, okay? If you’re gettin’ all Sarah Lawrence on Halloween and going as freakin’ Sylvia Platt or whatever, I’m done. Unless you’re going as Sexy Bell Jar–and by that I mean in a see-through costume–no more dates with me! You can take that shit to a Mother Jones costume party. Dude.”
  • Steve from Miami: “Why, why, why are you talking about politics? If you’re trying to engage me in an Occupy Wall Street discussion, all that tells me is that you totally do not want sex. With me. Ever.”
  • Lance from Dallas hates it when: “You take my remote. Get your own TV to watch your Housewives. It’s bad enough I have to talk to you, I certainly don’t want to have to watch some girly shit with you.”
  • Norman from Tulsa doesn’t want to watch sports with you: “Look, I know you think it’s all cute and liberated to watch football, but you sound like a moron. Go knit something while I finish the game.”
  • Roy from Houston doesn’t want to see you in the gym: “I want you to be in shape, but I do not want to see you sweat. GROSS! Go take a Pilates class with the other girls and don’t talk to me about it OR show me your workout clothes. I just want the benefit of the results, girl. I don’t want to know how the sausage is made.”
  • And speaking of sausage, Kenneth from Baltimore thinks: “Don’t give my junk a nickname. That’s my business, not  yours. That’s a manly thing that manly men do. Not girls. It’s manly, okay? Manly cuddly bear men give other manly, cuddly cub men junk nicknames to be used only between consenting manly men. Got it?”
  • Marcus from Omaha sayz: “I read in FakeCosmo once that ladies don’t get their digestive systems installed until marriage, so they don’t poop while  you’re dating. Which is why I don’t date divorcees.”
Laydeez, our Guy Panel knows all! Listen to our FakeCosmo dudez! It’s the only way to avoid being dried up by 30! Got a hawt sexay tip? Let us in on the 411! FakeCosmo is here to help!

If You Break Them Open, Do They Smell Like Ladies Lying In The Sun?

I’ve been talking about serious stuff this week, and will continue to do so, but I want to take a brief detour to CosmoLand. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a fake Cosmo Twitter feed, but honest to God, I don’t know that I could come up with anything better than the laff-a-minute verified Cosmo Twitter feed. For example, this just happened:

Also this:

How is some straight dude waxing philosophical over boobs dumb, but asking if a guy should shave his “coconuts” not? Please? Anyone?

Here’s another of my rejected Cosmo articles. You’re welcome.

What Your Dude’s Favorite Kitchen Utensil Says About Him!

  1. Spatula: Oh, he’s an old-fashioned kind of guy with a great sense of humor! He’d love nothing more than to give you the Aunt Jemima Treatment on a lazy Sunday morning!
  2. Wire Whisk: He likes his woman like he likes his omelette: FLUFFY!
  3. Citrus Zester: What kind of man has a citrus zester? Not the kind you take home to mama! Zesty in the kitchen, zesty in the bedroom?!
  4. George Forman Grill: This guy’s meat and potatoes all the way! Sure, pounding you like a cheap steak will get old after a while, but that bank account is full of salad!!
  5. Ginsu knife: The best kind of dude! He’ll believe anything!! Have fun on that trip to Cabo your “doctor” says you need to treat “exhaustion”!
  6. Electric Can Opener: This one’s a toss up, girls! One one hand, he clearly loves gadgets–WINK WINK–on the other hand, if he can’t expend the energy to open his Spaghetti-Os with a manual tool, what other manual tools won’t he use?!! WINK WINK!!
  7. Meat Fork: Ladies, let’s be honest. This guy’s more interested in your butcher than you! But that’s okay! A gay BFF is like a LBD–Every gal needs one!!
  8. Pastry Fork: Ooooh, who doesn’t love a man who makes pie? Watch out, though! He may expect you to be his cherry pie!!
  9. Mixing Bowl: A little of this, a little of that. He’s into experimentation! But watch out! He may be eating two meals at once, if you know what we mean! Of course you do!
  10. Juicer: He likes it wet and sticky! But look out! All that fiber might ruin your romantic date!!

WOW! Thanks, Cosmo!

Every now and then I like to pretend I’m on the Sexytime Editorial Staff at Cosmo. I like to have these imaginary brainstorming sessions. You know, pretend what it’s like to come up with compatibility quizzes. Here’s one I wrote about What Your Man’s Choice of Bakery Item Says About Him! As you will note, a key piece of writing a Cosmo Sexytime listicle is judicious use of the exclamation point.

Today, possibly because my other idea for a post involved a stimulating discussion of Science Citation Index as a means of bibliographic control, I wandered back over to Cosmo to see what great advice I could get.

Oh, mama.

My first hit off the Cosmo pipe involved something called “Weird Things That Turn Men On”. Derrick says his honey totally pulls a fast one on him by using fake tattoos and pink hair extensions. He totally doesn’t recognize her when they’re having sex, y’all! It’s like he’s boning a totally different chick! And how weird is this: Rob thinks that even though ball caps are TOTALLY for guys, when his girl wears one he’s all WHOA! That’s so hottt! But that totally doesn’t make him gay. Right? And Jeff wishes his gal would court pink eye more often by not taking her mascara off before bed. Because waking up with crusty, red eyes rimmed with smudged mascara is SMOKIN’!

Cosmo also asked dudes and their junkpackages what makes a woman undateable. They got lots of responses via Twitter. This one dude doesn’t like a girl who farts in her sleep. Because girls don’t poop, y’all! We wimmins actually have NO digestive systems. Nope. Our bellies are full of fluffy clouds, glitter, and chocolate bunnies. And Lord Voldemort7 hates it when a girl wants to “find her own Edward Cullen.” Must I point out the yummy irony of this one for you? And if this dude’s mommy doesn’t like you? Pack your bags, girl, because his mommy likes everyone. So YOU are clearly an alien succubus.

The great thing about Cosmo is that it’s sooo totally helpful in weird situations. Like–and this is SOOO out there it will probably never happen to you–say there’s a naked man in front of you, ladies. I KNOW! But let’s just say one shows up, okay? So there’s this naked dude and his junkpackage in front of you. You don’t know what to do, amirite?  Your friend Cosmo helpfully points out thirty things you can do with a naked man. Like you can get naked too! I KNOW, RIGHT??!!  And naked guys are total multitaskers. You can coat them in peanut butter and chocolate sauce so it’s like sex AND a high-protein snack in one. You could also boss him around. Because most naked guys love to have instructions barked at them. And then? If he does something you really like? Squeeze his ass. You know how well that works on you! Especially at work!

Cosmo is super frugal. See, Cosmo knows that in today’s economy, we need items that can be used for more than one thing. That’s why the article about tying your hair back with underwear was so helpful. Our Cosmo also has a great use for stockings. See, you should knot it and tie it around your guy’s junkpackage. Then you get on top and go to town! He’ll love the compression and you’ll love the feeling of the knot…you know what? Even I can’t finish that one.

Moving on…

Here are some sex tips you didn’t know. Which is weird because every other article is about some sex tip you didn’t know. You’d think that well would have dried up by now. BUT ANYWAY, you can put your hand in his pocket and whisper, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” It does not, however, mention you must then pay a royalty fee to Tired Ass Cliche, Inc. after you do that. Seriously, I mean, first? Okay, first, if he’s only packing a roll of quarters, I DON’T think he wants to be reminded of it. And second? Who keeps a roll of quarters in his pockets anyway? You could do it in the tub. This one is excellent if you want to be left alone for a few days, ladies, because that UTI you’re going to get is pretty much going to put the kibosh on the sexytime for the next few days.

I would totally try some of these out, but us married ladies don’t like to have the hottt sexxxy sexx. Which is fine. Because what you don’t know is that on our wedding days we get our digestive tracts installed. So who’d want to have the hottt sexxxy sexx with us anyway, right?