Tag Archives: fake cosmo article

Yeah! That’s A Deal Breaker!

19 Oct

Y’all! Omigosh! Guys are so funny, rite? But they’re also important, cuddly protectors we must have in our lives or else what’s the point? Do you want to go through the rest of your life not having a date for office parties and weddings? No, we didn’t think so! Here at FakeCosmo, we want to help you help yourself! We talked to lots of dudes about what their personal deal breakers are. Don’t do any of these things, ladies! You don’t want to end up a crazy, fat, lonely, cat-hording, filthy, unlovable, fat, whining, wildebeest!!

  • JayJay from Des Moines sayz: “No hair, ladies. Hair is disgusting, dirty, fat, smelly. I totally will not date a girl with any hair anywhere on her body. It’s gross! I mean, what is this? A ’70s porno?! GROSS!”
  • Fred from Phoenix takes it a step further: “Stubble is a total boner-killer. I mean, yeah, like by the afternoon I have stubble on my face, but it’s on my face. Not my pits. Ladies, if you can’t figure out how NOT to have stubble, I don’t have time for you.”
  • Ned from Saskatoon rounds out the Body Hair Trifecta with: “Do not use my razor. Ever. It makes it dull and disgusting. I don’t want to shave  my face with something you’ve potentially groomed your hooha with. Facial hair does not dull a razor. Body hair does. I don’t want to swap skin cells with you, okay?”
  • From Elrod in Oakland: “A girl’s gotta know how much to eat in front of me or else GROSS! If she orders a salad, I’m like no way. Ana all the way, right? But like if she orders a burger? Are you for real? What a hog! Like if you don’t know what the appropriate middle ground is, I’m outsies.”
  •  Rex in Moab relates: “Ohmigod. Quit talking to your mother! There is no reason for any grown woman over the age of 17 to be talking to her mother! It’s like listening to magpies! I always find a way to sneak a peek at her cell and if her mom’s in her contacts? See ya!”
  • Mark in Chicago has strong feelings about Halloween costumes: “Girl, it’s called Slutoween for a reason, okay? If you’re gettin’ all Sarah Lawrence on Halloween and going as freakin’ Sylvia Platt or whatever, I’m done. Unless you’re going as Sexy Bell Jar–and by that I mean in a see-through costume–no more dates with me! You can take that shit to a Mother Jones costume party. Dude.”
  • Steve from Miami: “Why, why, why are you talking about politics? If you’re trying to engage me in an Occupy Wall Street discussion, all that tells me is that you totally do not want sex. With me. Ever.”
  • Lance from Dallas hates it when: “You take my remote. Get your own TV to watch your Housewives. It’s bad enough I have to talk to you, I certainly don’t want to have to watch some girly shit with you.”
  • Norman from Tulsa doesn’t want to watch sports with you: “Look, I know you think it’s all cute and liberated to watch football, but you sound like a moron. Go knit something while I finish the game.”
  • Roy from Houston doesn’t want to see you in the gym: “I want you to be in shape, but I do not want to see you sweat. GROSS! Go take a Pilates class with the other girls and don’t talk to me about it OR show me your workout clothes. I just want the benefit of the results, girl. I don’t want to know how the sausage is made.”
  • And speaking of sausage, Kenneth from Baltimore thinks: “Don’t give my junk a nickname. That’s my business, not  yours. That’s a manly thing that manly men do. Not girls. It’s manly, okay? Manly cuddly bear men give other manly, cuddly cub men junk nicknames to be used only between consenting manly men. Got it?”
  • Marcus from Omaha sayz: “I read in FakeCosmo once that ladies don’t get their digestive systems installed until marriage, so they don’t poop while  you’re dating. Which is why I don’t date divorcees.”
Laydeez, our Guy Panel knows all! Listen to our FakeCosmo dudez! It’s the only way to avoid being dried up by 30! Got a hawt sexay tip? Let us in on the 411! FakeCosmo is here to help!

If You Break Them Open, Do They Smell Like Ladies Lying In The Sun?

9 Sep

I’ve been talking about serious stuff this week, and will continue to do so, but I want to take a brief detour to CosmoLand. I’ve been toying with the idea of doing a fake Cosmo Twitter feed, but honest to God, I don’t know that I could come up with anything better than the laff-a-minute verified Cosmo Twitter feed. For example, this just happened:

Also this:

How is some straight dude waxing philosophical over boobs dumb, but asking if a guy should shave his “coconuts” not? Please? Anyone?

Here’s another of my rejected Cosmo articles. You’re welcome.

What Your Dude’s Favorite Kitchen Utensil Says About Him!

  1. Spatula: Oh, he’s an old-fashioned kind of guy with a great sense of humor! He’d love nothing more than to give you the Aunt Jemima Treatment on a lazy Sunday morning!
  2. Wire Whisk: He likes his woman like he likes his omelette: FLUFFY!
  3. Citrus Zester: What kind of man has a citrus zester? Not the kind you take home to mama! Zesty in the kitchen, zesty in the bedroom?!
  4. George Forman Grill: This guy’s meat and potatoes all the way! Sure, pounding you like a cheap steak will get old after a while, but that bank account is full of salad!!
  5. Ginsu knife: The best kind of dude! He’ll believe anything!! Have fun on that trip to Cabo your “doctor” says you need to treat “exhaustion”!
  6. Electric Can Opener: This one’s a toss up, girls! One one hand, he clearly loves gadgets–WINK WINK–on the other hand, if he can’t expend the energy to open his Spaghetti-Os with a manual tool, what other manual tools won’t he use?!! WINK WINK!!
  7. Meat Fork: Ladies, let’s be honest. This guy’s more interested in your butcher than you! But that’s okay! A gay BFF is like a LBD–Every gal needs one!!
  8. Pastry Fork: Ooooh, who doesn’t love a man who makes pie? Watch out, though! He may expect you to be his cherry pie!!
  9. Mixing Bowl: A little of this, a little of that. He’s into experimentation! But watch out! He may be eating two meals at once, if you know what we mean! Of course you do!
  10. Juicer: He likes it wet and sticky! But look out! All that fiber might ruin your romantic date!!

WOW! Thanks, Cosmo!

16 Aug

Every now and then I like to pretend I’m on the Sexytime Editorial Staff at Cosmo. I like to have these imaginary brainstorming sessions. You know, pretend what it’s like to come up with compatibility quizzes. Here’s one I wrote about What Your Man’s Choice of Bakery Item Says About Him! As you will note, a key piece of writing a Cosmo Sexytime listicle is judicious use of the exclamation point.

Today, possibly because my other idea for a post involved a stimulating discussion of Science Citation Index as a means of bibliographic control, I wandered back over to Cosmo to see what great advice I could get.

Oh, mama.

My first hit off the Cosmo pipe involved something called “Weird Things That Turn Men On”. Derrick says his honey totally pulls a fast one on him by using fake tattoos and pink hair extensions. He totally doesn’t recognize her when they’re having sex, y’all! It’s like he’s boning a totally different chick! And how weird is this: Rob thinks that even though ball caps are TOTALLY for guys, when his girl wears one he’s all WHOA! That’s so hottt! But that totally doesn’t make him gay. Right? And Jeff wishes his gal would court pink eye more often by not taking her mascara off before bed. Because waking up with crusty, red eyes rimmed with smudged mascara is SMOKIN’!

Cosmo also asked dudes and their junkpackages what makes a woman undateable. They got lots of responses via Twitter. This one dude doesn’t like a girl who farts in her sleep. Because girls don’t poop, y’all! We wimmins actually have NO digestive systems. Nope. Our bellies are full of fluffy clouds, glitter, and chocolate bunnies. And Lord Voldemort7 hates it when a girl wants to “find her own Edward Cullen.” Must I point out the yummy irony of this one for you? And if this dude’s mommy doesn’t like you? Pack your bags, girl, because his mommy likes everyone. So YOU are clearly an alien succubus.

The great thing about Cosmo is that it’s sooo totally helpful in weird situations. Like–and this is SOOO out there it will probably never happen to you–say there’s a naked man in front of you, ladies. I KNOW! But let’s just say one shows up, okay? So there’s this naked dude and his junkpackage in front of you. You don’t know what to do, amirite?  Your friend Cosmo helpfully points out thirty things you can do with a naked man. Like you can get naked too! I KNOW, RIGHT??!!  And naked guys are total multitaskers. You can coat them in peanut butter and chocolate sauce so it’s like sex AND a high-protein snack in one. You could also boss him around. Because most naked guys love to have instructions barked at them. And then? If he does something you really like? Squeeze his ass. You know how well that works on you! Especially at work!

Cosmo is super frugal. See, Cosmo knows that in today’s economy, we need items that can be used for more than one thing. That’s why the article about tying your hair back with underwear was so helpful. Our Cosmo also has a great use for stockings. See, you should knot it and tie it around your guy’s junkpackage. Then you get on top and go to town! He’ll love the compression and you’ll love the feeling of the knot…you know what? Even I can’t finish that one.

Moving on…

Here are some sex tips you didn’t know. Which is weird because every other article is about some sex tip you didn’t know. You’d think that well would have dried up by now. BUT ANYWAY, you can put your hand in his pocket and whisper, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” It does not, however, mention you must then pay a royalty fee to Tired Ass Cliche, Inc. after you do that. Seriously, I mean, first? Okay, first, if he’s only packing a roll of quarters, I DON’T think he wants to be reminded of it. And second? Who keeps a roll of quarters in his pockets anyway? You could do it in the tub. This one is excellent if you want to be left alone for a few days, ladies, because that UTI you’re going to get is pretty much going to put the kibosh on the sexytime for the next few days.

I would totally try some of these out, but us married ladies don’t like to have the hottt sexxxy sexx. Which is fine. Because what you don’t know is that on our wedding days we get our digestive tracts installed. So who’d want to have the hottt sexxxy sexx with us anyway, right?

Why? Because It Was There

16 Aug

Yesterday I got a card from my friend with that New Yorker cartoon on it. When I sat down to write this morning, I remembered this post I wrote a couple of years ago for another blog. It dovetails nicely with what I want to write about today. Enjoy! And check back later for more junkpackage tips!

WARNING: I use a lot of quotation marks in this post because I’m actually making air quotes while I’m typing. Also if repeated references to “man junk” offend you, go read this. There’s nothing offensive there.

Okay, okay. I admit it. I read Cosmo when I have the flu. There is a method to my madness. It helps with the nausea. There is nothing worse than feeling like you have to throw up but you can’t, so Cosmo usually helps that process along. Think of it as journalistic ipecac syrup. On the other hand, I like a magazine where you can go to their website, search “what your guy’s hot dog says about him” and actually come up with real results.

It’s stuff like the “sex tips” from “guys” that give me the heaves. The “tips” are usually stuff like: Splash water on your t-shirt while you’re doing dishes so I can see through it. Seeing you drink from a bottle makes me think of your mouth other places. When something exciting happens to me–like a promotion–offer me oral sex all night. The “tips” are usually from dudes who talk a lot about their “junk” or their “package”. Just a little tip, dudes: While an occasional “junk joke” might be funny, repeatedly calling you man bits “junk” will lead to them being treated as such.

I was just perusing the Cosmo website and I wanted to know what position it was they called The Naughtiest Position. It’s doing it against a wall, by the way. Apparently it brings out the “gotta-have-your-body-now erotic thrill in both of you”. I just want to point out that at NO TIME in this article does it give you the following advice: Do not, under any circumstances, try this while standing on a rug that is on top of a hardwood floor. It will not matter if there is a no-slip pad underneath. You will still fall on your ass. Look, maybe it’s just that I’m an old married lady, but I think the only thing I’d be thinking while doing it against a wall is but, but we have a perfectly lovely bed. Or oh, shit. Do we have Advil?

Okay, so the underwear thing. According to the October Cosmo, you know what will drive your guy–and his junk–wild? Taking off your thong and using it to pull back your hair. I could not bring myself to purchase the October edition, so I was forced to violate all sorts of publication laws, I’m sure, and take a picture with my phone of this article. No, I’ll not post that picture because I don’t know how to make my phone talk to my computer, but I’m sure it involves a data cable that I do not have. Anyway, forgive me, Helen Gurly Brown, if I misquote:

There are few things guys like more than long hair, women’s underwear, and sex. So combine all three!

If things are getting hot and heavy, stopping the action to go search for a ponytail holder will kill the mood. So instead, grab—or take off—your underwear. Simply fold the crotch up so that the thong forms an open circle, twist your hair into a low pony or bun, and use your panties like an elastic band to secure your locks.

Dear Reader(s), I cannot tell you how many times I’ve thought, “Wow. Sex would be so much better if only I could only find a use for my drawers other than wearing them–you know–on my butt.” Or, I suppose, in the case of a thong, up…never mind. But after realizing how boring I must be because I’m not having sex while leaning against a wall and wearing my panties on my head, another more pressing thought hit me. “Fold the crotch up so the thong forms and open circle…twist your hair…use your panties like an elastic band…”

What?

Okay, first of all, I’m what Jane Russell would call a “full-figured gal”. So using one of my thongs? Well, let’s just say that I’m not sure Troy Polamalu has enough hair to be tied back with one of my thongs–if I wore thongs. The other thing is that I’m a visual learner, so those instructions made no sense to me. So I went to my underwear drawer and tried to find a thong. Now, even though I used to be in the underwear business, I’m not a fan of the thong. I did get a free one when the company I used to be with launched a new line of stretch lace undies (nothing says “classy” like a stretch lace thong!), but it’s got a rather conservative cut. It looks like a regular hipster from the front. It’s not really an honest-to-God g-string. But, of course, I tried it. My hair isn’t long, so I reverted to my dress-up ways of younger years.

I put tights on my head.

Yup. Every six-year-old knows that’s the best way to quickly acquire long, lustrous locks. So then I took the thong, pulled my “pigtails” through, and…nothing. I still didn’t get it. What I did get was the idea that it would be easier just to tie them in a knot, tie them in a bow. Maybe the problem was I had not been wearing them and wasn’t in a hurry to pull fake Spandex hair back out of my face so I could do something Cosmo- approved to my guy’s junk package?

How is this hot? How is this unlike the scene in Sixteen Candles where the geeks with jock straps on their heads shoot Samantha with laser guns? Because that’s all I’m thinking about. I’m thinking about the fact that the male version of this is to rip off his jock strap and stick it over his face. Oh? Or better yet? He can use his jock strap to tie back your long, lustrous locks! I mean, look, I don’t want to judge, but really? A thong in the hair? Why would you even think about that? And I’ve never worked on a magazine staff, so do the sexytime editors sit around a conference table and have serious discussions like:

Deb: So, Judy. What do you think is hotter? Licking strawberry yogurt of your guy’s taint or drizzling warm Dr. Pepper on your dude’s package?

Judy: Well, both have their merits, but let’s do a piece about testing your compatibility with your dude by comparing pizza toppings and then follow it up with a sidebar about trussing your Thanksgiving turkey with your favorite g-string so your man is thinking about sexytime with you all during dinner!

So, here I am, slightly afraid to ask if:

Is this hot to anyone? And by “this”, I mean the idea of the underwear in the hair. NOT my description of putting the underwear in my hair.

Would someone please try putting a thong in your hair and tell me what I was doing wrong?

Was writing this post a better use of my time than mowing the front yard on the first semi-sunny day in two weeks?

My Rejected Cosmo Article

21 Sep

What Your Man’s Choice of Bakery Items Says About Him!

  1. Chocolate Cupcake with Mint Icing: He’s cool under pressure and has a tendency to be broody!  His secret fantasy is to rub ice cubes into your ankles while humming the Oomopa Loompa song! He thinks it isn’t really St. Paddy’s Day unless his beer is green!  He’s got a big heart and an even bigger belly, but his breath is always fresh!
  2. Red Velvet Donut: He’s a mama’s boy who would like nothing better than to read you selected passages of Intruder in the Dust while massaging your boobs with dill pickle juice! You might have to pick up the tab a lot and don’t expect him to help with the dishes, girls! He’s a traditionalist who wants to make you the Queen of his State Fair!
  3. Plain Glazed Donut: Forget about this guy going downtown, ladies! He’s missionary twice a week and three times on vacation all the way! He likes white shirts with his gray suits, but forget about French cuffs. He’ll tell you that only gays wear “Freedom cuffs”. The only jewelry he needs is the Sweet Precious Tender Moments Double Heart Memory Pendant™ he’ll get you at Zales!
  4. Biscotti: Forget about taking this guy home to mama! He’s great to go shopping with, but won’t be bringing home his bacon to you! Every girl needs a guy to help her pick out shoes, and this guy’s it! Just don’t introduce him to your old boyfriend… meow!
  5. Chocolate Chip Cookie: He’s true blue like your favorite pair of jeans! There’s not a lot of deep water in this guy and that could get old in ten years when you realize you wasted most of your youth with someone who thinks Campari is an Italian sports car and you gave up grad school because you foolishly thought his income as an insurance adjuster would carry you through and now all you have are memories of trips abroad with your friends before you married Darryl Dullard.
  6. Carmel Cupcake with Vanilla Bourbon Icing: This is the guy you mother warned you about! He’s open to experimentation (He’s totally okay that you want to rub Nutella on his package!) and he loves to travel! He chews through Harry Crews novels like candy and drinks Maker’s like a fish, but that’s okay, ladies! His daddy’s heart can’t last forever and he’ll be set once the old guy croaks!