This Week Can Kiss My Grits

I hate everything. You knew that already. I know you did. And that’s why I love you. You anticipate my every mood. Yesterday? Food poisoning. Yeah. The real deal. The Girl Child and I were POISONED by a fast food restaurant which will remain nameless only because when we called to give them a heads up they might be accidentally poisoning people, they were very professional about it. Anyway, down for the count. Because sending me to the hospital over the weekend wasn’t enough. This week can kiss my ass in Macy’s window.

I do, however, hate things a little less today because I can check out e-books again. This weekend, thanks to my good buddy Cat, I’ll be finishing The Hunger Games trilogy, then moving on to my e-books from Sarah Vowell and Nora Roberts. Don’t you judge me. About Nora, I mean. If you’re not reading Sarah Vowell, UR DOIN IT RONG. I just knew you’d all sleep a little better knowing I now have full library privileges again. I’m here for YOU.

I’m going to nap now. I need my strength for the weekend. COLLEGE FOOTBALL!! Be safe this weekend, kids.

Not That Kind Of Quiet

I’m cheating on my library. No, it’s not because of the e-book thing. I have to schlep out to Colliervile two days a week and the library out here is good for hanging out. I’m a city girl. I like being inside the 240. The Memphis Central Library is within walking distance of my house–not that I ever walk there. I think about walking there, but I guess that’s kind of not the same. Anyway, one of my favorite places to sit is up on the fourth floor of the library, especially when it’s rainy. It’s not so much that the view is stellar. I sit where I can overlook East High School and the scrubby little strips of cellphone stores and nail places on Poplar. I just think it’s amazing there’s this big building full of books that could answer any question a person could have. AND THEY’RE FREE! They just GIVE them to you. Unless you’re me. When the weather is extremely hot or cold, there are a lot of scruffy men draped across the pleather chairs. They always seem to be eating Hot Fries. Back in April I was up there on a rainy morning. Several men were sitting around complaining about wives and trading stories about church services. The men began talking about work. Most were retired. It ended up that two of the men had worked for the city during the sanitation strike, but didn’t know each other. I tried not to act like a creep, but HISTORY! I had to listen in. And that’s why I love the library and Memphis. I can look out over a high school that looks like something out of a John Hughes movie while listening to people talk about being there the last night of Dr. King’s life.

The library in Collierville has carpet that cost more than my house. I don’t know how new this place is, but it doesn’t smell like a library yet. You know the smell. Paper, mold, dust, the reference librarian who still wears Wind Song. This library smells like a hotel. But credit where credit’s due. The outlet situation here is superb. There are many places to plug in one’s computer. Of course, today I seem to be the only person here using a computer which doesn’t belong to the library. Downside is I don’t get to bond with a harried grad student when we make a deal to watch each other’s stuff while we go to the restroom. I think I could just leave my stuff on the table if I need to go. I appear to be the youngest person here by at least fifteen years. If the old guy behind me wearing seersucker shorts and suspenders tried to make off with my laptop, I could take him down. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I could totally trip him with his own cane. And don’t think I wouldn’t do it. I have many important pictures of kittens cuddling with pandas downloaded on this machine.

It’s nice to be able to spread out. I might bring a snack next week. I find every task more enjoyable when snacks are involved. I’m kind of lonely though. The people-watching situation here is sub-par. The quiet here is a real quiet. Not the quiet of kids just sprung from school and eager to check Facebook. It’s not the quiet like when I try not to yell because they keep moving the 300s and 700s.  And everyone smells nice. I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with that.

 

Banned From The Library

Okay, so here’s the deal. I had a little thing the other day. I believe what happened was an alien took over my person, began jumping up and down on my lungs, then laid eggs in my brain. That’s what it felt like. You remember the warning of the communist plot to sap us of our precious bodily fluids? I believe I am a victim of such a conspiracy. The nice doctor told me I was not having a heart attack or aneurysm, but a bitch of a migraine. She maintained she found no evidence of aliens or communists, but you know doctors. They always overlook the obvious. I was given much medicine for nausea and a bucket-full of dilaudid. It was also suggested that if I didn’t visit a neurologist she would burn my home. As bad as I felt, I wondered if she would have an issue with doing so while I was home. It was a really bad headache.

So that’s part of why I haven’t been around.

Another reason is that I hate everyone. Everyone but you, OBVIOUSLY. I took a tech break. You see, a woman’s body shuts down in defense of stupid. I spent most of last week detoxing from the stupid by watching The West Wing and yelling at my husband about issues we didn’t really disagree on. I just needed a good vent. So you know how sometimes I say if I don’t get something out then my head will explode? Yeah, turns out that’s true.

But that’s not even my point. My point is that I’ve been checking out e-books from the library. Now, I’m a fast reader. And I also believe that life is too short to finish a book that sucks. So I’ve been checking out and returning more than a few books the past week or two. The E-Book Brownshirts from the Lieberry say that I cannot check out any e-books right now as I have ABUSED my lending privileges by checking out and then returning too many books. The message says, “We’re sorry, but there have been too many titles checked out and returned by your account within a short period of time. Please try again in several days.”

Listen, twice I’ve downloaded Kindle books, okay? I have a Kindle app on my phone. But generally Kindle library books cannot be read on the app, they have to be downloaded by USB to a supported device. NOW I have learned to make sure I’m downloading the Adobe format to read on my Overdrive app. But really. I don’t think the public library should penalize me for not paying attention. I’M ON DRUGS AND I WANT TO READ CRAPPY NOVELS!

Yeah, I’m back, bitches.