Tag Archives: ranting

Problems Sister and Stella-Rondo Never Had

26 Mar

I would like to take this day behind the barn and dispatch with it swiftly. I had to go to the post office. TWO post offices (posts office?), in fact. The first one was to pick up a package.

See, what had happened was I wasn’t wearing pants and I was on the phone with my bank. As one does. I couldn’t get to the door in time and didn’t get my package. My lovely postman rang several times because he’s obviously been there before and knows I’m often wiping Nutella off my face before I answer the door. Now, my friend Desi was a bit stumped at this because don’t all Southern ladies have bathrobes? Well, yeah, I reckon. But that never occurred to me, honestly.  Probably because my bank was calling to verify two very legitimate charges, which I appreciated since last year I had THREE different debit cards due to security breeches. Note to self, find another bank. Anyway, I was so stunned that they were actually like monitoring stuff that all I could do was kind of freeze in place, my phone in one hand, and my precious cargo being loaded back up and taken away.

Taken away to the depths of the Mendenhall Post Office. Where it could not be found. So. That should have been a sign, BUT OH NO! Did I heed said sign? No. No, I did not. For I am an idiot of the highest caliber. For various reasons, I needed a mailbox. So I’d gotten one online at a post office location that I preferred. I printed out everything the site told me, got all my ID (strangely, no one accepts one’s belly button as proof of birth), and trekked to Southern Avenue. BIG mistake. Let me just cut to the chase. By the time I got back in my car, I had no post office box and I was in tears.

By Billy Hathorn (National Portrait Gallery, public domain.) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

Me. IN TEARS.

This is why EVERYTHING at the post office should be done by machines. Machines do not tell you things like it does not have to do what the website says. Machines do not tell you, “Y’all just don’t know. Y’all don’t know how to fill out a form. Y’all can’t come in here with stuff ain’t doing you no good.” This woman was the most heinous individual I have ever encountered, and I once got stuck in a KKK rally in Brandon, Mississippi. Truth. So I went and finished my errands, got home, canceled my mailbox online, and wrote a complaint that was, as my friend Dean says, pointed yet poignant. I know USPS doesn’t care.  I know nothing will be said to this woman, and even if it were, it wouldn’t matter. Some people are just toxic.

Over the years, I interviewed many people for many jobs, most of which dealt with the public in some form. There are a few guidelines I had when interviewing candidates.

  1.  Did the person smile? You honestly have NO IDEA how many people go into an interview for a customer service job and never smile. WHY would I want you as the face of my business? FAKE IT! If you aren’t looking at me like I’m Gary Collins and you’re Miss Alabama, this ain’t working.
  2. “The customer is always right” is a phrase that will NEVER get you hired. One, the customer is rarely right. Two, it doesn’t matter. Three, put a little elbow into your answers. Don’t give me trite crap I know isn’t true. Such as
  3. “I’m a people person.” Here’s who says that. People who hate people. I’m a people person. Never said I like people. Now, unless you truly are like Frankenstein’s monster and are MADE OF PEOPLE, leave that shit at home.
  4. “I love helping people.” Go work for Red Cross. We’re here to make money. People who say they love helping people are the ones who get busted shoveling extra bras into their friends’ shopping bags.
  5. “I’d just love to play in clothes/shoes/makeup/tablecloths/small appliances all day.” This ain’t Ronald’s playground. I’m paying you to work. If you happen to like it, great, but it’s NOT play. Unless you are telling me that you play the tuba in your spare time (which you fully understand will be nonexistent if you take this job), “play” should not be used in an interview.
  6. A customer service job is not the place to take out your revenge on the world. The customer is not your enemy, no matter what you may feel, think, and what your loss prevention manager tells you. If you’re telling me nothing but horror stories about service, I’m going to start to think YOU’RE the problem.
  7. A smooth transaction can change a person’s day. This is the honest to God truth. You can be having the worst day ever. Run in your hose. Zayn left One Direction. There’s a black fly in your chardonnay. But one joke from the woman at Freds about how those select-a-size towels probably have a Napoleon complex, and it looks a lot better.
  8. A terrible transaction can change a person’s day. This is the honest to God truth. You can be having the best day ever. You don’t have to wear pants. Black Sabbath decide to play your favorite neighborhood bar. Someone gives you something besides chardonnay. But one “I don’t have to do ANYTHING the website says,” and you are suspended between hopelessness and rage to the extant you both clutch your pearls AND say screw everything, go to Taco Bell, and binge on Netflix and remorse the rest of the day. Because
  9. PEOPLE SUCK. We all suck. We’re all egotistical, shallow, self-aggrandizing assholes. You know why Ghandi was a pacifist? He never had to stand on line at the DMV. He never had a toddler who decided to eat nothing but Gummi Bears for two weeks straight only to suddenly THROW A FIT AND FALL INTO IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WINN-DIXIE because HOW DARE YOU??? Did you not intuit that three seconds ago your toddler decided to HATE Gummi Bears and now only wants hot dogs with ketchup, in a bun, but the crust taken off, served on the YELLOW PLATE while you sing “The Bing Bong Song” from Peppa Pig???!!!

I know there isn’t anything nearly as trite as complaining about a government agency, but cliches are cliches because they’ve happened enough to be cliche. People with absolutely no power anywhere else in life will always try to create a superpower at work. When there are no consequences for actions, people do what we do. We act like jerks. I did cancel my order, I did write a complaint, and I know that nothing will change because I am the only one in this situation who was inconvenienced. No one else has a stake. It’s the post office, where else am I going to go? So I go get a mail drop. Still the USPS. What the woman wanted, she got. She wanted to tell someone no. She wanted to know–or act as if she knew–more than someone else because she has absolutely no power. People who throw fits and fall in them are no different from that toddler. And when we do that, we’re telling the other person, “YOU are responsible for my behavior,” rather than taking responsibility ourselves. Unfortunately, this woman today exercised her no-power with me. I don’t show emotion with this kind of deal. I don’t get loud. In fact, I get like Alec Baldwin quiet. I speak very distinctly. I ask how we’re going to fix this. Most of the time, it works and we all move on. Today? Not so much. Not only did we not fix the problem, she didn’t get to see me get upset. So we both lost.

Also? That package was missing two items.

In short, I hate everything. But you knew that.

UPDATE: A lovely woman named Sandra who helped me this morning has already called me back with a SOLUTION to my problem! She was the lady who spent all morning looking for my stupid package. A SOLUTION!! So, kudos to the USPS and Sandra for not only helping me, but doing it so quickly.

Notes From A Doctor’s Waiting Room

4 Mar
  1. xanax for dinner It is too cold in the waiting room. This, according to the ladies nearest me. It is apparently a conspiracy that has something to do with insurance fraud.
  2. The coffee table is too small for this space.
  3. The same ladies who are cold and find the interior decorating lacking have just recited the weather report for the next. ten. days.
  4. If you need to feel young and vital, hang out in the waiting room of an eye clinic that primarily does cataract surgery.
  5. All contemporary Christian music sounds the same.
  6. I had forgotten how OBSESSED people in South Mississippi are with precipitation of any sort.
  7. Walmart is “controlled by Benton Arkansas.”
  8. With the prices we are all paying for healthcare, apparently there should be a larger TV in the waiting area.
  9. My next job will be one where I can wear scrubs. Scrubs are awesome.
  10. I have dealt with so many doctors in my life, I get itchy when they don’t just get to the point.
  11. I have used the phrase, “How the cow ate the cabbage” THREE times today and it’s not even noon.
  12. I blame my friend Laura Leigh for number eleven.
  13. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, everyone understands what a come to Jesus is.
  14. There are three floor drains in this room. Whoever decided this should be awarded the Medal of Freedom.
  15. All floors should have drains.
  16. I can leave all my stuff in my chair to go to the restroom because there is no one in this room who could move quickly enough to swipe my stuff before I got back.
  17. People watching should be an Olympic Sport. Both summer and winter.
  18. Husbands who steer their wives through the door by putting their hands on the small of their wives’ backs are the best.
  19. If I ever write a mystery novel, my nom de plume will be Benton Arkansas.
  20. What were we thinking with the whole brown lipstick thing and why is it still a thing?

 

A Brief Update

20 Feb

You know how when a dog gets all in a skunk’s business you’re supposed to bathe him in tomato juice? It doesn’t work on humans.

PARTICULARLY WHEN IT’S SPICY V8 JUICE.

Which reminds me of this time I was at the beach and our neighbor heard that meat tenderizer is good for jellyfish stings so she kept some in her bag. So I get stung by this whale of a jellyfish, come running out of the water, she comes flying towards me and starts liberally dousing me with…wait for it…garlic salt.

Come to think of it, what is it with me and food on my body in emergency situations?

Briefly

20 Feb

tweet yallYes, I’ve been off social media for a while. Didn’t notice? Congratulations, YOU have a life.

Because I have some friends who are having weird horrible days today, let me just tell you that NOT ONLY did I burst into tears in the Auto Zone parking lot, I had to use Fix-A-Flat and CANNOT get the stench off me. I have showered AND rubbed my hands with alcohol. I have just washed my hands with vanilla extract. Now I am high and smell like a delightful baked treat.

YOU ARE WELCOME, INTERNET!!

Briefly: Duckfaced Naked Selfie Edition

5 Sep

I hate to give this woman any more hits by linking to her, so let me just say that if you spend any time on social media you’ve probably seen a post written by a mom of boys. It talks a lot about how she thinks young girls are skanks. I really wish I were as cool as this particular mom thinks she is. I’d have been a much better stepparent. Because make NO mistake, I am NOT the cool mom. That’s not my job. But I digress.

These Adorable Parents and their Adorable Boys go through Facebook together and girls who post bra-less selfies of themselves are blocked because, laydeez, you don’t want the Adorable Boys to think of you sexually, do you?

YES, YES THEY DO!

Yes, 14 year old girls who post pictures of themselves in bath towels DO want to be thought of sexually because in this world a woman’s worth is directly tied to how fuckable she is. And, guess what, the whole purpose of those stupid teenage years is to figure out that whole sexual self thing, often with CRINGE-INDUCING results. But that’s not my point.

My point is I’m really sick of The Cult of Victimized White Men. Oh, the poor American White Male. What’s he to do with all these wimminz running around without proper undergarments like Mommy used to wear? Oh, poor American White Male. She says she’s a good girl and rebuffs my advances, but look at her! And, in this case, Adorable White Parent thinks nothing of posting beach pictures of Adorable White Boys all over her blog because that’s not the same as posting pictures of Adorable White Girls in bikinis, right?

This idea that real men of character shouldn’t linger over pictures of women in bathing suits is ridiculous. And, not for nothing, it’s not like it takes bathing suit pictures to turn a teenage boy’s thoughts to lust. Pictures of broccoli will do it. That’s just how teenage boy hormones work. So as  parents, I believe our job is to say it’s less about the hormones and more about what you do with them. Why does Adorable Parent need to shame Adorable Boys into thinking something is wrong with them because they like looking at half-naked girls? The discussion of how we talk to girls about posting those pictures is another one. I’m saying having the whole Adorable Family sitting around a table, looking through what’s probably hundreds of pictures of teenage girls and deciding which ones should be blocked for content is really, well, creepy. Making decisions based on outward appearance about which girls are good enough for the Adorable Boys is wrong. Period.  Also, it seems to me if a family meeting is necessary to determine who makes the cut for Adorable Boys’ friends lists, maybe Facebook isn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with a parent saying, you know, I’m just not comfortable with this yet. THAT’S WHAT PARENTS DO.

Look, I’m down with what Adorable Parent is trying to do. I really believe she doesn’t want to raise men who will victimize women.  I believe she wants to raise men who will look deeper than a duckfaced selfie. But making a family bonding night of blocking girls who are struggling with their sexuality– just as the Adorable Boys are– is doing just the opposite. It’s just reinforcing women are nothing but shells.

Oh, I could go on, but I’ve titled this post “Briefly”. Also, I have to find some Super Glue because although we had 4,598 tubes last week, we have none the day I break my phone case. So let me end with this. There is a picture my brother sent me a while ago that came to mind as I read Adorable Parent’s treatise. It really sums up how I feel about this whole Victimized White Male discussion.

i need feminism because

(Note: I found out about this post because my friend Desi alerted me to a post from our friend Pernilla. He thinks it’s fun to get me all riled up. So does she.)

My SuperStrate Marriage™©: Over The Weekend

1 Jul

superstrate marriage rainbowSuch a heteronormative weekend we had. THANK GOD. Chuck did some work in the yard. Grilled a large slab of meat. I took to my fainting couch with a very lady-like migraine. He had a good ride on his SuperStrate™© Man Bike.

Wait.

A ride. On a bike. IN SPANDEX!!! DAMN YOU, GAY MARRIAGE! DAMN YOU!!

Swimming To The Surface

25 Jun

2102_47438731251_2845_nI told you I’d be gone and then back. The “back” part has given me a little trouble. I just spent a long weekend with my honey. I don’t remember the last time we went out of town just the two of us. And this trip was to a magical place with no cellphone reception or internet. It was incredible. And I mean that in the true sense of the word. I actually didn’t believe we were there. It was so amazing, I only complained about bugs like ten times.

We did quite a bit of fishing. By that I mean we sacrificed many yummy worms to tiny baby fish. We only hauled up about three, only one of which was worth heating up the grease for. It was a 22 inch catfish. Yes, I know. I’m supposed to tell you its weight, not its length. We didn’t have anything to weigh it it and I am notoriously bad at estimating anything that requires a number value. “Oh, it’s about a hundred yards from here.” That means nothing to me. A yard, a mile, a hectare? All the same. Oh, and don’t get me started on stones. One stone equals fourteen pounds? You know what else equals fourteen pounds? Fourteen pounds.

But that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve been in a self-imposed news exile for several months. Lookit, I know. I KNOW. You don’t need to give me all the crap about caring what goes on in the world and how we’re all connected and being a clueless American. Suck it. I’ve got enough drama here in the Greater Metropolitan Standard Shed Area. I don’t need yours too. So I’m just going to get it out all in one fell swoop.

Let’s begin, shall we? In no particular order…

  1. SCOTUS knocks down a key piece of Voting Rights Act saying that because it’s worked, we no longer need it. Okay, I see where they’re going with this. Following this logic, The Supremes will ban birth control by ruling, “Hey, you didn’t get knocked up last year, did you? No. It worked. You don’t need it anymore. NEXT!”
  2. Paula Deen’s sons say she’s not a racist! She let us watch Hank Aaron! Y’all, stick some butter in your pie holes and be quiet. But even more? Gentle readers, stop assuming that because she’s a Southern woman of a certain age she doesn’t know any better or doesn’t mean anything by it.
  3. In Texas, according to State Representative Jodie Laubenberg, if you’re raped and report it, you get a complimentary abortion! Apparently, “in the emergency room they have what’s called rape kits, where a woman can get cleaned out.”  To quote my extremely profound husband, “Wow.”
  4. Twenty-three Seven years ago, I was denied admission to Bennington College. Why they chose not to accept my application is beyond me. Who WOULDN’T want me at their school? Who could possibly deny themselves the pleasure of my company? I shall now sue. Some kid gets denied admission to University of Texas and, I can only imagine, is then hounded by some lawyer wanting to make a (literal) federal case that she was denied admission because she was white. So, all I want to say about this is that she WAS admitted to Texas, just not the Austin campus. She then chose to go to LSU. I don’t know the ins and outs of all this, but I do know this: If she’d really wanted to end up on that Austin campus, she could have worked at it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and whatnot.
  5. This really isn’t bad news, but I thought I’d include it anyway. Rick Santorum is going to head a “faith-based” movie studio in Dallas. First, moving away from politics is an excellent decision. But. I’m always skeptical of companies who make a big deal that they’re “faith-based” or “Christian”. To me if you’re walking the walk, you don’t need to advertise your talk. I find it in poor taste to use faith and religion in marketing. And by “in poor taste” I mean “desperate”.