As I Was Saying…

I’ll just let the narrative of where I’ve been for almost a year unfold on its own. In its own time and way. I’ll briefly say that I stopped reading pretty much anything online except anything about hilarious autocorrect incidents. I don’t care how dumb they are, I love that stuff. I made a pledge not to read anything that baited me with CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT SHE DID or LEARN THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK. That cut down on about 80% of my internet time. I didn’t totally quit Facebook, but I walked out on Twitter. I wish I could say I went out and got a life, but if you’ve read this blog at all you know that requires pants. And you’ll know how I feel about pants.

Let me also tell you this up front. I will not be talking about vaccinations. I’m not going down that rabbit hole. I’m not going to talk about how completely selfish, ignorant, fatuous, narcissistic, narrow-minded, and totally asshatted it is not to vaccinate/immunize your children. Nope. Go somewhere else for that. Like here, for example.

What I WILL discuss with impunity is 50 Shades. Because that shit is hysterical. I will also discuss house cleaning, periods, marriages, abortion, gays, straights, blacks, whites, other regional person shades, my parents, my husband (THE SAINT, but no longer The Ham King), the birds in my backyard, my crazy friends, I’d talk about my sane friends if I had any, underwear and lack thereof, my discovery of Outlander, text messages from my mother, the crickets in our storage closet, what I learned from not watching news regularly, and my need of suggestions for a really good concealer and a conditioner that doesn’t smell like an overworked stripper dipped in coconut car freshener.

I’m also taking suggestions about what animal, vegetable, or mineral I should replace the YAAT bird with. Or if I should replace it at all. If I shouldn’t then blerghe or she needs a name, so I’m open to that as well. Standard Life Coach will be making an appearance, so email your questions using the contact form on this page.

Several of you have been kind enough to ask after my imaginary twins Sizzlene and Formicadinette. Sadly, their birth mother who lives in one of those square states has regained custody of them after realizing their earning potential in the child beauty pageant business and Formicadinette’s ability to make a casserole from little more than and can of creamed corn and Velveeta. Since the are imaginary, they will never grow older and can make quite a killing off the Babee Lil’ Miss Shiny Eyelash Glamour Tot pageant circuit. I’m happy for them, obviously. And, quite frankly, Sizzlene’s inability to master the twirl-n-curtsy was really getting on my nerves. For those of you concerned about The Ham King’s sanity, I’m happy to report that he still would like a life-size Cylon Centurion and enjoys a good hat. And he’s still practiced in the art of diplomacy, but he is no longer The Ham King. I suppose he is now The Nonmetallic Thermal And Acoustical Insulation Production King, but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I am extremely happy in his change of kingdoms, as is he.

I was going to finish this post up and go eat delicious homemade chocolate chip and pecan cookies, but I can’t make the damn things. I can’t make chocolate chip cookies. I can make a brown sugar cookie that looks like it should be on the cover of a baking magazine and tastes like eight kinds of heaven, but my chocolate chip cookies ALWAYS come out too cake-like. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But that does mean I have an entire mixing bowl of cookie dough. So there’s that. Any ideas on why EVERY cookie recipe and technique I use comes out wrong would be greatly appreciated. Could it be I’m getting the sugars and butter too fluffy? Maybe it’s my ass’s way of telling me to slow down with the cookies? Whatever, there are no good cookies and no Cheetos in the house, so I haz a sad.

If you are a new reader, welcome. If you are a returning reader, thank you. I shall endeavor to deserve your time. Just kidding. Ima totally waste it and make you have to read Chekhov to get your IQ back up.

Briefly: Duckfaced Naked Selfie Edition

I hate to give this woman any more hits by linking to her, so let me just say that if you spend any time on social media you’ve probably seen a post written by a mom of boys. It talks a lot about how she thinks young girls are skanks. I really wish I were as cool as this particular mom thinks she is. I’d have been a much better stepparent. Because make NO mistake, I am NOT the cool mom. That’s not my job. But I digress.

These Adorable Parents and their Adorable Boys go through Facebook together and girls who post bra-less selfies of themselves are blocked because, laydeez, you don’t want the Adorable Boys to think of you sexually, do you?

YES, YES THEY DO!

Yes, 14 year old girls who post pictures of themselves in bath towels DO want to be thought of sexually because in this world a woman’s worth is directly tied to how fuckable she is. And, guess what, the whole purpose of those stupid teenage years is to figure out that whole sexual self thing, often with CRINGE-INDUCING results. But that’s not my point.

My point is I’m really sick of The Cult of Victimized White Men. Oh, the poor American White Male. What’s he to do with all these wimminz running around without proper undergarments like Mommy used to wear? Oh, poor American White Male. She says she’s a good girl and rebuffs my advances, but look at her! And, in this case, Adorable White Parent thinks nothing of posting beach pictures of Adorable White Boys all over her blog because that’s not the same as posting pictures of Adorable White Girls in bikinis, right?

This idea that real men of character shouldn’t linger over pictures of women in bathing suits is ridiculous. And, not for nothing, it’s not like it takes bathing suit pictures to turn a teenage boy’s thoughts to lust. Pictures of broccoli will do it. That’s just how teenage boy hormones work. So as  parents, I believe our job is to say it’s less about the hormones and more about what you do with them. Why does Adorable Parent need to shame Adorable Boys into thinking something is wrong with them because they like looking at half-naked girls? The discussion of how we talk to girls about posting those pictures is another one. I’m saying having the whole Adorable Family sitting around a table, looking through what’s probably hundreds of pictures of teenage girls and deciding which ones should be blocked for content is really, well, creepy. Making decisions based on outward appearance about which girls are good enough for the Adorable Boys is wrong. Period.  Also, it seems to me if a family meeting is necessary to determine who makes the cut for Adorable Boys’ friends lists, maybe Facebook isn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with a parent saying, you know, I’m just not comfortable with this yet. THAT’S WHAT PARENTS DO.

Look, I’m down with what Adorable Parent is trying to do. I really believe she doesn’t want to raise men who will victimize women.  I believe she wants to raise men who will look deeper than a duckfaced selfie. But making a family bonding night of blocking girls who are struggling with their sexuality– just as the Adorable Boys are– is doing just the opposite. It’s just reinforcing women are nothing but shells.

Oh, I could go on, but I’ve titled this post “Briefly”. Also, I have to find some Super Glue because although we had 4,598 tubes last week, we have none the day I break my phone case. So let me end with this. There is a picture my brother sent me a while ago that came to mind as I read Adorable Parent’s treatise. It really sums up how I feel about this whole Victimized White Male discussion.

i need feminism because

(Note: I found out about this post because my friend Desi alerted me to a post from our friend Pernilla. He thinks it’s fun to get me all riled up. So does she.)