Tag Archives: social media

Yup, Still Married

26 Jun

Forget gay marriageThe past two weeks have been so amazingly crappy. And then today, my Facebook feed starts lighting up. It’s just happy in my corner of social media world. Wedding announcements are starting to pop up from my friends. I’m seeing pictures of happy couples holding up marriage licences. And you know what? I’m still married to a person of the opposite sex. Neither of us exploded this morning around 9:30 Washington time. Chuck is edging his parents’ lawn and I’m here paying bills and exercising a few basic rights. I do not see four horsemen clopping down the street, although it IS a curvy street, so maybe they just haven’t come round the bend yet. I have yet to see anyone proposing marriage to a pig or hamster. I guess “gay” really DOES mean happy.

Marriage, in my mind, is a civil rights issue. If we are all equal under the law, then we should all have an equal opportunity to marry the one person we want to annoy the rest of our lives. You might have lived with someone for 20 years, but it changes when you’re married. Mostly for better. That worse part kind of sucks. Looking into someone’s eyes and forming a legal contract that you will not bolt when you realize your Netflix queue is full of Jennifer Anniston movies or that you have married your father is a very humbling experience. As my mother reminded me this morning, it’s not for the faint of heart.

I know that many conservative leaders who don’t want big government interfering in our lives or making unnecessary expenditures will now start spending all sorts of time and money to stop these homo shenanigans like registering for china and getting life insurance policies. I’m really pissed about that part. But for right now, for right this second, I’m enjoying the celebrations.

In fact, the ruling today has actually reminded my WHY we got married in the first place. Our lives are better together than apart.

It is so ordered.

it is so ordered

As I Was Saying…

11 Feb

I’ll just let the narrative of where I’ve been for almost a year unfold on its own. In its own time and way. I’ll briefly say that I stopped reading pretty much anything online except anything about hilarious autocorrect incidents. I don’t care how dumb they are, I love that stuff. I made a pledge not to read anything that baited me with CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT SHE DID or LEARN THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK. That cut down on about 80% of my internet time. I didn’t totally quit Facebook, but I walked out on Twitter. I wish I could say I went out and got a life, but if you’ve read this blog at all you know that requires pants. And you’ll know how I feel about pants.

Let me also tell you this up front. I will not be talking about vaccinations. I’m not going down that rabbit hole. I’m not going to talk about how completely selfish, ignorant, fatuous, narcissistic, narrow-minded, and totally asshatted it is not to vaccinate/immunize your children. Nope. Go somewhere else for that. Like here, for example.

What I WILL discuss with impunity is 50 Shades. Because that shit is hysterical. I will also discuss house cleaning, periods, marriages, abortion, gays, straights, blacks, whites, other regional person shades, my parents, my husband (THE SAINT, but no longer The Ham King), the birds in my backyard, my crazy friends, I’d talk about my sane friends if I had any, underwear and lack thereof, my discovery of Outlander, text messages from my mother, the crickets in our storage closet, what I learned from not watching news regularly, and my need of suggestions for a really good concealer and a conditioner that doesn’t smell like an overworked stripper dipped in coconut car freshener.

I’m also taking suggestions about what animal, vegetable, or mineral I should replace the YAAT bird with. Or if I should replace it at all. If I shouldn’t then blerghe or she needs a name, so I’m open to that as well. Standard Life Coach will be making an appearance, so email your questions using the contact form on this page.

Several of you have been kind enough to ask after my imaginary twins Sizzlene and Formicadinette. Sadly, their birth mother who lives in one of those square states has regained custody of them after realizing their earning potential in the child beauty pageant business and Formicadinette’s ability to make a casserole from little more than and can of creamed corn and Velveeta. Since the are imaginary, they will never grow older and can make quite a killing off the Babee Lil’ Miss Shiny Eyelash Glamour Tot pageant circuit. I’m happy for them, obviously. And, quite frankly, Sizzlene’s inability to master the twirl-n-curtsy was really getting on my nerves. For those of you concerned about The Ham King’s sanity, I’m happy to report that he still would like a life-size Cylon Centurion and enjoys a good hat. And he’s still practiced in the art of diplomacy, but he is no longer The Ham King. I suppose he is now The Nonmetallic Thermal And Acoustical Insulation Production King, but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it. I am extremely happy in his change of kingdoms, as is he.

I was going to finish this post up and go eat delicious homemade chocolate chip and pecan cookies, but I can’t make the damn things. I can’t make chocolate chip cookies. I can make a brown sugar cookie that looks like it should be on the cover of a baking magazine and tastes like eight kinds of heaven, but my chocolate chip cookies ALWAYS come out too cake-like. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But that does mean I have an entire mixing bowl of cookie dough. So there’s that. Any ideas on why EVERY cookie recipe and technique I use comes out wrong would be greatly appreciated. Could it be I’m getting the sugars and butter too fluffy? Maybe it’s my ass’s way of telling me to slow down with the cookies? Whatever, there are no good cookies and no Cheetos in the house, so I haz a sad.

If you are a new reader, welcome. If you are a returning reader, thank you. I shall endeavor to deserve your time. Just kidding. Ima totally waste it and make you have to read Chekhov to get your IQ back up.

Briefly: Duckfaced Naked Selfie Edition

5 Sep

I hate to give this woman any more hits by linking to her, so let me just say that if you spend any time on social media you’ve probably seen a post written by a mom of boys. It talks a lot about how she thinks young girls are skanks. I really wish I were as cool as this particular mom thinks she is. I’d have been a much better stepparent. Because make NO mistake, I am NOT the cool mom. That’s not my job. But I digress.

These Adorable Parents and their Adorable Boys go through Facebook together and girls who post bra-less selfies of themselves are blocked because, laydeez, you don’t want the Adorable Boys to think of you sexually, do you?


Yes, 14 year old girls who post pictures of themselves in bath towels DO want to be thought of sexually because in this world a woman’s worth is directly tied to how fuckable she is. And, guess what, the whole purpose of those stupid teenage years is to figure out that whole sexual self thing, often with CRINGE-INDUCING results. But that’s not my point.

My point is I’m really sick of The Cult of Victimized White Men. Oh, the poor American White Male. What’s he to do with all these wimminz running around without proper undergarments like Mommy used to wear? Oh, poor American White Male. She says she’s a good girl and rebuffs my advances, but look at her! And, in this case, Adorable White Parent thinks nothing of posting beach pictures of Adorable White Boys all over her blog because that’s not the same as posting pictures of Adorable White Girls in bikinis, right?

This idea that real men of character shouldn’t linger over pictures of women in bathing suits is ridiculous. And, not for nothing, it’s not like it takes bathing suit pictures to turn a teenage boy’s thoughts to lust. Pictures of broccoli will do it. That’s just how teenage boy hormones work. So as  parents, I believe our job is to say it’s less about the hormones and more about what you do with them. Why does Adorable Parent need to shame Adorable Boys into thinking something is wrong with them because they like looking at half-naked girls? The discussion of how we talk to girls about posting those pictures is another one. I’m saying having the whole Adorable Family sitting around a table, looking through what’s probably hundreds of pictures of teenage girls and deciding which ones should be blocked for content is really, well, creepy. Making decisions based on outward appearance about which girls are good enough for the Adorable Boys is wrong. Period.  Also, it seems to me if a family meeting is necessary to determine who makes the cut for Adorable Boys’ friends lists, maybe Facebook isn’t for you. There is nothing wrong with a parent saying, you know, I’m just not comfortable with this yet. THAT’S WHAT PARENTS DO.

Look, I’m down with what Adorable Parent is trying to do. I really believe she doesn’t want to raise men who will victimize women.  I believe she wants to raise men who will look deeper than a duckfaced selfie. But making a family bonding night of blocking girls who are struggling with their sexuality– just as the Adorable Boys are– is doing just the opposite. It’s just reinforcing women are nothing but shells.

Oh, I could go on, but I’ve titled this post “Briefly”. Also, I have to find some Super Glue because although we had 4,598 tubes last week, we have none the day I break my phone case. So let me end with this. There is a picture my brother sent me a while ago that came to mind as I read Adorable Parent’s treatise. It really sums up how I feel about this whole Victimized White Male discussion.

i need feminism because

(Note: I found out about this post because my friend Desi alerted me to a post from our friend Pernilla. He thinks it’s fun to get me all riled up. So does she.)

My Impression Of The Internet

19 Oct

Ladies and Gents,

My impression of any and every internet conversation ever.

By Jessicadoub (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons


30 Jul

Yesterday in a small community outside my hometown of Laurel, Mississippi, something horrible happened. A man held his daughter, her husband, his ex-wife, and two children hostage. The children were let go, the man killed his daughter, wounded the two other adults and a law enforcement officer. There was a standoff lasting about 18 hours that eventually led to the gunman killing himself. In addition to local and neighboring law enforcement, the Mississippi Highway Patrol was called in. It was a terrible thing for the community to hear about on a Sunday night.

Oh, hang on.

The community probably didn’t hear about it Sunday night because the Laurel/Hattiesburg NBC affiliate did a pre-recorded late newscast. Because of the Olympics. And the local newspaper website is snuggled safely behind a paywall. What that newspaper, The Chronicle, did was post updates throughout the night and into this morning on its Facebook page. I agree with my friend Desmond who said their use of social media was about the best of any news outlet anywhere. They nailed it. The coverage was timely and completely professional. They did not editorialize or sensationalize. WDAM, the local television station, said they were short staffed and didn’t use Facebook for actual news. On its Facebook feed this morning, WDAM posted the following:

Remember: Facebook is not our website. This is just where we share stuff and talk to our audience. Our website is www.wdam.com and its children – our mobile apps, and our mobile site. We don’t post all of our coverage here, and we don’t necessarily post news here as it happens.

Right. Because what a waste of time and energy THAT would be.

Could it really be there are still traditional media outlets out there that don’t understand if it didn’t happen on social media, it didn’t happen? Appears so. What The Chronicle appears to understand is that social media gets the story out there now. The internet gets the story out there now.  And that allows the print edition to do what we’re always complaining news doesn’t do anymore: Analyze, educate, and supply context. Obviously not everyone uses Facebook and Twitter. I get that. There are thousands of people in Jones County without internet access. That’s why WDAM’s fail in reporting (or not reporting) the story last night is so mind boggling to me. Then going on the defensive this morning was just weird. We were understaffed, you guys! Olympics! USA! No one reads this feed for real news!

Traditional media, social media is not making you irrelevant. You are making you irrelevant. Stop making it about competing. Stop worrying about whether or not people use their real names to comment on your website. Who the hell cares? It’s supposed to be about the story. Newspapers and broadcast news outlets can’t compete with social media. So why worry about it? There’s an opportunity to use social media to your advantage. You can be the guy who first broke the story on social media then used your paper or television studio to tell the whole story, or you can be the guy who’s hoping enough coverage of ribbon cutting ceremonies and lost pet announcements will keep you in the black. That’s doing versus hoping. No one ever won a Pulitzer or increased ad sales by hoping.

What I Have Learned From The Internet

30 Jan
  1. Everything is always as it is. There are no exceptions to any rules.
  2. Nothing is as it is. There are only exceptions to rules.
  3. You’ve never had [insert illness here] as badly as I have.
  4. You think that [insert food item here] is good? That’s shit!
  5. The only REAL [insert food item here] comes from [obscure, tiny restaurant/market which only holds three people and is only open when Mercury is in retrograde].
  6. All my symptoms add up to an illness that will kill me dead in three hours.
  7. My argument is not sound because I forgot to take into account this very tiny probability of something happening like, oh, monkeys flying out of my butt.
  8. My argument is not sound because I cursed.
  9. My taste in music is lacking because I am not familiar with this band which was formed in South Dakota in 1993 and only played one show in front of 16 people.
  10. [Insert band here] is like Radiohead when no one listened to Radiohead except you.
  11. Using the terms “a lot of people”, “most people”, or “no one” means I have a sound argument.
  12. Ad hominem attacks are acceptable when everyone knows the attacked is an asshat.
  13. Duh.
  14. There must be one negative GET OFF MY LAWN! for every five bunny and kitten comments.
  15. You are not as cool as I am because I have been using [insert brand/platform/app/software/hardware/obscure eco-conscious feminine hygiene brand here] since it was in private beta.
  16. You are not as cool as I am because I have not been using [insert brand/platform/app/software/hardware/obscure eco-conscious feminine hygiene brand here] since it was in private beta because I don’t care about those things.
  17. I didn’t really read your piece so I will now make an argument against what you wrote that actually affirms the very thing you wrote.
  18. I could not care less about the NBA.
  19. A person who spends five hours in front of the television is a bum, but one who spends five hours at a computer watching the same, exact thing is tech-savvy.
  20. Poking fun at [insert politician/social movement/political view] means I am against it as one should never poke fun at a [insert politician/social movement/political view] one believes in.
  21. You know who’d have done this list better? Hitler.

Vote Me!

13 Jan

Click Here To Vote For Yeah And Another Thing

I don’t have resolutions. I have to-do lists. On my 2012 list is when I’m given a compliment, say thank you, don’t mitigate. Today I was nominated for a Shorty Award. Normally, I’d be all tucking my hair behind my ear and hunching my shoulders, but I’ve decided the hell with it.


You have to be on the Twitters to vote, I think. Also, apparently “nominating” is voting. I’m a little confused on that, but I haven’t read the whole page yet because I wanted to get this shameless self-promotion in before I chickened out. Remember to vote early and often!


Thank you for your support.