Tag Archives: standard life coaching

Life Coaching For Miscellaneous Silliness

21 Jul

Dear Coach,
What’s the story with people tilting their heads when they’re having their picture made? And south of the equator, do heads tilt in the opposite direction?

Dubious About the Sincerity Of Their Smiles


Ah, The  Millennials. Or perhaps you are referring to Women Of A Certain Age who believe arranging their bodies with the care of a mortician arranging a corpse for an open casket funeral will perhaps fool the world into believing they are not knee deep in hot flashes and standing prescriptions for Premarin cream. We believe the Head Tilt is a way of signaling the Mothership it’s a good time for Justin Bieber to release another single in the attempt to sap us of our bodily juices.

Anyhoodle, SLC does not like to have pictures taken of ourself because we believe it steals the tiny little piece of our soul we have left.




Dear Life Coach,

My husband wishes to incorporate bacon into our bedroom time. What should I do?



Dear Jess,

Are you vegan? Do you keep kosher? We do not see a problem here. A delightful breakfast in bed of bacon and waffles will fortify you for any Cosmo-approved randiness. So what if he wishes to eat the bacon off you whilst you recite the story of The Three Little Pigs? Do your thing, girl.

As Always,



Dear “Life Coach”,

This feature blows.

You suck


Dear Dwayne,

Your lack of appropriate punctuation leads us to believe your name is also a pejorative term for the part of your anatomy which has never gotten closer to a woman than that time you were standing behind one whilst in line at the drugstore for your anti-fungal cream.

Also? Your mom.




Life Coaching for Family

8 Jun

Dear Standard Life Coach,

When my mother-in-law likes a piece of clothing or color I wear, she tells me it looks “well” on me. I don’t think this could be right. What do I do?


Lovely in Puce.

Dear LiP,

Ah, yes. Standard Life Coach feels your pain. Being told that color looks well on you is a compliment to the color, not to your own cute self. And we’re not aware that a watermelon linen big shirt can get sick, so we’re not sure how it can ever be well. It can FIT well, yes. LOOK well? Nay.

We would say celebrate the fact your wannabe pretentious MIL compliments you at all! And, as always, resist the urge to thank her for the compliment since the sweater you’re wearing had a bit of a head cold last week.



Dear Life Coach,

My sister gets royally pissed whenever she goes to a restaurant which does not have a dairy-free option for her daughter with a milk allergy, a gluten-free option for her son with a wheat allergy, or a nut-free environment for her youngest son who I don’t really think has a tree nut allergy, I think he’s just a brat.

I never want to dine with her in public because it’s such an ordeal. What can I do?


Inedible  in Indianapolis

Dear IiI,

First, we know to what your pseudonym refers, but that does not make it any easier not to snicker at it.

Now, on to business. Yes, SLC shares your pain of trying to dine with someone with bad restaurant karma. SLC firmly believes restaurants are under no obligation to fulfill the wishes of those with strict dietary restrictions. We believe it is incumbent upon the person (or parent of the person) with dietary restrictions to do due diligence before dining out.

The bigger issue might be how not to be a royal pain in the ass. We believe if people such as your sister didn’t have allergies to bitch about, they’d just find something else. Our guess is she has never ordered off the menu and never said please-n-thank you, and so has therefore eaten a lot of spit and snot in her time. We are not sure how eating spit affects the cognitive process, but it can’t be good for a person.  We would not accept dining out invitations with her simply on the guilt-by-association principal–meaning you shouldn’t have to eat spit just because she’s high maintenance. Stop going out with her. Fake cramps or an impending library book due date if you must.

With Sympathy,


Dear Coach,

I found my husband and his best friend watching an episode of Weeknights With Giada with the sound turned down. Should I be concerned? Becasue I am. And also freaked out. 


Food Porn Interventionist

Dear FPI,

Only if they also had Barry White on the stereo. Boys can’t resist the shimmy. Chill out with some reeeCOTtah and keeAHNtay.

In Solidarity,


Life Coaching For Free Play

29 Feb

You must be the best You You can be to be the best You for Others. This is critical. In order to be the best You, You must act with specific intentions. This is very important. If You go a willy nilly with Your intentions, Karma will turn around and Pop Your Jaws.

People ask me all the time, “Life Coach,” and I stop them right there because I prefer to be called Oh, Beautiful Radiant One Whose Skin Is So Soft and Moist and Young Looking And Whose Butt Looks Really Good In Those Jeans. But then they just roll their eyes and press on.

“Life Coach, my personal journey cannot be traveled alone. I’ve tried, but every time I try to sneak away the little bastards find me. HOW can I be the best me when I can’t get rid of the worst Them?”

This is a tough one. Toddlers are notoriously bad drivers, so you can’t really give them the keys to the Sienna and a fifth of Jack and expect them just to run for the border. Oh sure, they’d make it out of the driveway and that might buy you a few minutes of blessed silence before the sirens started screeching, but that’s about it. The key to being the You You can be whilst taking care of Them can be summed up in two words. Two words. Are you listening?

Pillow. Fort.

The problem with your life is you don’t have a pillow fort. Or if you do, you’re sending Them to it when you should be hunkered down in there with a wheel of brie and a bottle of Merlot. It is a well known fact, learned when playing peek-a-boo, if They can’t see you, you don’t exist. Sure, there will be some screaming for Mommy for a while, but once the get their little mitts on the remote and realize Mommy’s not going to stop them from a full-on Elmo orgy, they’ll be fine. Leave out some cut up hot dogs and Cheetos and they won’t miss a beat.

Pillow forts also serve an important purpose. If you don’t teach your children about the dangers of hot lava, WHO WILL? What are you going to do when they go to a friend’s house and have to pile the sofa pillows on the floor because the room is filling up with hot lava, huh? Or alligators? Or drugs? Or lobbyists? THEN WHAT?

But Life Coach, you say, I have no kids. SO THE HELL WHAT? They’ll only ruin it anyway. Face it, they’re just going to make you talk to their teddy bears and have tea parties while you’re keeping the Nazis at bay, eating hardtack, and drinking whiskey. You’re problem, dear reader, is you’ve lost your ability to play. When was the last time you consciously avoided  a crack, huh? And how is your mother’s back these days? J’ACCUSE!  Play is important, friend. If you’re taking everything so seriously you’re just going to get an ulcer. Then you’ll have to trade your wine for Gelusil and bananas and that will just make you even pissier.

Maybe you’re not a pillow fort person. Life Coach is picking up what you’re putting down. There’s finger painting, jumping rope, Tinkertoys, Lite Brite, and Tranformers. You could build a treehouse, play dress-up, or make up a song as you go along. Maybe you’ve got a need for Axis and Allies or Settlers of Catan. IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Just play.

The Life Coach Is In

24 Jan

Friends, after a brief absence due to a slight ligament issue, your Standard Life Coach is back. Let’s reach into the mail bag, shall we?

Dear Life Coach,

I found your blog becasue Roger Ebert was talking about Oxford commas and your blog came up in my search to find what that is, exactly. So far I’m not impressed. You need more boobs, Gingrich and Romney.


 Disgruntled in Denver


Dear Disgruntled,

What can I do to make you more gruntled? Oh, wait. That’s right. I don’t care.

Thanks for stopping by!


Dear Life Coach,

I have an obsession with blanching fruits and vegetables- not because I particularly enjoy them, but because whenever someone asks “watcha doin?”, I can truthfully reply “not much- just blanching some shit”. Are there any reality shows or episodes of Dr. Oz that address this issue? And does it make me ineligible to hold office in the NRA?


Kinda Nervous About It


Dear Knai,

You see, there comes a time in every boy’s life where the need to dip members of the squeaky bean family into boiling water for mere seconds, nearly robbing them of life and vitamin content, and revive them with a refreshing shower of ice-cold water becomes overwhelming. It’s natural and normal. Dr. Oz does not specifically address this, although he does recommend tangerine tea for compulsive bean soaking. It’s worth a try.

As for holding office in the NRA, I’ve checked the bylaws extensively. It seems there is nothing on the books specifically preventing a Compulsive Blancher from holding office. HOWEVER, it is strongly recommended that when blanching publicly, you remove your items from the boiling water while saying the following: YOU CAN HAVE MY PERFECTLY BLANCHED ASPARAGUS WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS. BITCHEZ!

Also, burn some sage.


Dear LC,

We’ve noticed you’re fond of putting a bird on it. On your last blog, your mascot was a flatulent feline. Is the bird the new cat?


The Committee To Stop Crappy Graphics



Could be. Etsy says the fox is the new bird. Rest assured, no matter what this blog’s mascot may or may not be, the quality of the graphics will continue to be only marginally better than what a 6-year-old could bang out with Microsoft Paint.


Yo, Life Coach,

You give me a leather jacket. I invest it and give you back TWO leather jackets. Know what that is?




Dear AF,

Sigh. Yes. A Fonzie scheme.

Life Coaching In The Kitchen

30 Nov

Dear Standard Life Coach,

I get that Rachel Ray is trying to be Ms. Efficiency and prepare a 7 course gourmet meal for 16 people in 11 minutes. But can she really believe that the time saved by uttering absurdities like “E.V.O.O.” and “Sammies” is worth the special place in hell she will receive for torturing innocent people with their incessant use?

Worried About Her Immortal Soul

Dear Worried,

Yes, let’s talk about this.

Your favorite Life Coach detests the term “sammies” as much as I love saying “sammich”. I think people of breeding and refinement get the difference. A sammich is something that is generally made on pasty white bread, is packed inside a brown paper lunch bag, and holds meat redolent of snouts, knees, and ears. A sammich is never purchased, it is always made. I have heard of people putting Duke’s on a sammich instead of the proper Miracle Whip or Hellman’s, but I don’t actually know any of these people. A sammie, on the other hand, generally contains ingredients that should not be sitting near each other, let alone stacked on top of each other. Red grapes and hominy with arugula and tripe between two pieces of toasted marble rye would be a sammie.

I also have trouble with EVOO. First, it is a total waste of money to use extra-virgin olive oil if it is to be heated. It turns rancid and makes your food taste like it’s been prepared in the butt of a gassy goat.  Just get the plain, cheap olive oil and save the virgins for your salad dressing. Also, using such a term is fine until it becomes your thing. It has become a problem when you are your catchphrase and people just come up to you at the Dallas airport and yell, “HEY! SAY EEVEEOHOH!! SAMMIES, AMIRITE?!”

I have never tried a recipe of Ms. Ray’s that did not come out tasting like the south end of a north-bound mule, and I don’t mean that in a good way. However! I am in a giving mood. Here are three no-fail plans for Dinner Innahurry:

  1. Call your mother and beg her for that casserole recipe that uses the Ritz crackers and pimentos. Obviously, this is a fancy dish, so you want to serve this on the good china.
  2. Run by The Colonel’s and throw your eight-piece special on a serving tray with–now, pay attention here–some curly parsley for garnish.
  3. Peanut butter sammiches. DUH.

Now, as for her soul? The woman has a recipe for cooking bacon. Obviously her soul’s the least of her issues.

Life Coaching For The Holidays

28 Nov

Ah, holidays!

The smell of gingerbread and pine needles. The bustle of shoppers picking out the perfect gifts for the ones they love. The sounds of loud cursing when it is discovered you are out of tape. The wiz of the mouse as it flies across the room after you track the shipment containing your mother-in-law’s house coat and discover it will not get here until December 28.

We at Standard Shed Studios want to help. Nay, we CAN help you with that.

We (this is the royal we, obviously) know that you are powerless in the face of drunken co-workers at your office party, your Uncle Norman who insists on showing everyone his stub during Christmas dinner, and your neighbors with the yard decorations so bright you’ve considered covering your windows with aluminum foil. We are here.

Dear Standard Life Coach,

My husband insists on wearing these felt antlers on his head EVERY DAMN DAY. It’s getting ridiculous. What can I do?


Mrs. Rudolph

Dear Mrs. Rudolph,

We would remind you that bow season lasts until January and that discharging a musket within city limits is illegal.

Dear Standard Life Coach,

My wife always says it’s the thought that counts, but when I give her something she needs like a new low-flush toilet, I get a speech about how I’ve ruined her Christmas.



Dear Confused,

Ah, yes. We know the species of which you speak. The object of your affection is a Passive/Aggressive Gifter. There’s little you can do here. If you take her to Hawaii, she’d really have wanted to go to Mexico. If you go to Jared’s, she’ll call you a cheap, tacky bastard and her mother was right about you.

We suggest you pick out something YOU want and wrap it. Just because nothing will please her, doesn’t mean that’s true for you, yes? Although, to be fair, unless one specifically asks for a new toilet, you might want to stay away from any gift related to excretion. We’re just sayin’.

Dear Standard Life Coach,

I am not Christian, but everywhere I go people are wishing me a merry Christmas. It really pisses me off. This is a secular country, right? How do I get people to stop with the indoctrination?


Hitch Is My Hero

Dear HIMY,

Shut the hell up.

Do you expect people to tell just by merely being in your presence that you are not affiliated? If you don’t like Christmas, stay the hell inside. When someone of a faith different or contrary to yours expresses a wish for you that reflects his or her faith, it is out of a desire to care for that part of you which cannot be nourished by food. It makes him or her feel good, this practice of faith. He or she would like you to feel good as well.

We hate when someone asks us how we are and we say “Good, and you?” and they make a HUGE production of telling us they’re “WELL.”  We KNOW good and damn well it’s well, and we guarantee that’s a hell of a lot more annoying than the festive shit you’ve got a problem with.

Now, burn some sage and get your head out of your ass.

Dear Standard Life Coach,

My wife hates people. We have to go to my company’s holiday party or I’ll get fired. What should I do?


Afraid For My Life And My Job

Dear Chuck,

I told you we’d discuss this later, okay?!



Your Best Day! A Better Day. Okay, A Day That Doesn’t Suck.

11 Oct

Here at Standard Shed Life Coaching, a subsidiary of BergsieCo, we want you to have YOUR BEST DAY YET! Or at least a better day than yesterday. Okay, what if we shoot for a day that’s better than a day you have a root canal? You see, here at SSLC, we want you not to shoot for the stars, but something more attainable. Like maybe going a day without mentioning a Kardashian.

You need to grow as a person.

Y’all, that’s really important. You cannot actualize the best you of you and reach for the stars that make you you if you don’t grow as a person. You need to get up every day, face the sun, light some sage, and say, “Today I will stop growing as a potato and grow as a person. Thank you, sun, for warming me so my roots will take root of my person being self spirit.” This is the most positive affirming life lesson affirmation you can do. It sets your intentions for the day and wakes your being self spirit to open to new positive positives.

A positive positive is twice as good as a positive.

To bring out the best of your spirit self animal, you must embrace the positive positive of yourself. Just embracing the positive is not enough. You must be committed 110% to being the best you self spirit there is.

You are strong. You are proud.

I believe Matthew Wilder said it best in his under-appreciated masterpiece “Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna Break My Stride”: I sailed away to China/in a little rowboat to find ya/but you said you had to get your laundry cleaned. You must set your priority intentions. You have to get your laundry cleaned. Self actualization cannot happen without pure, sage-infused, clean laundry. You must do what you have to do because you are strong and proud and about to be the best spirit elk positive bear you can be. DO NOT PUT OFF YOUR LAUNDRY.

Me Time Is You Time

In order to simplify your life, you’ll need the following:

  • Paper that dissolves in water. BergsieCo is in the process of sourcing sustainable, free trade, cruelty free, vegan, dolphin-safe, dissolving paper. We had to let our former paper partner loose after it was disclosed that in 1972, the CEO’s sister’s neighbor’s hairdresser made a statement that could have been construed as supporting Nixon’s secretary for sergeant-at-arms of  a Virginia chapter of the DAR. We at BergsieCo do not support the militarization of daughters. But once we get the dissolving paper, you will need it to write down your thoughts that you will then give back to the great water intention spirit.
  • Sandalwood lavender cocoa blueberry Meditation Candle. We will have these available soon. They will be $40 per hour of burning time. We like to give you flexible, realistic options for those of you on a spirit budget.
  • Investment Gratitude Pig. These look like old-fashioned piggy banks, but they are made by blind virgin handicrafts-women in Outer Nepolangolialand which is a section of Asia so remote, so backwards, so off-the-grid that even Radical Feminist Theory majors at Bennington can’t tell you where it is.
  • Yoga pants
  • Graciousness Water Drinking Vessel. These are made by the brothers of the Outer Nepolangolialand handicrafts-women. With every drink, a small bell tinkles from the bottom of the Vessel reminding you to be thankful for your gracious spirit bird self.
To begin, these will be the only items you will need to simplify your life and open it to receive your best holy self spirit meditation guide. It goes without saying, you will need to burn some sage in one of our Sage Intention Spirit Cleansing Holy Guide Pots. (available in alabaster, songbird, or starlight colors)
You will then be ready for your Me Time is You Time unless it’s now time to go get the kids, in which case, you need the Me Me Me Travel Kit for SUVs. This kit consists of soothing music to ease any residual guilt you might feel driving a Suburban with a REDUCE REUSE RECYCLE sticker on the bumper.
Now, sit down, light some sage and a MeditationGroundingSpirit Candle, and repeat this mantra:
I am me, the spirit of the me which is the me of me.
I am strong, beautiful, and wise. Until it is all about me,
centered with me, and catered to me, I cannot help
you with the you of you. And I’m talking to you, husband spirit.
I am growing as a person. I am through not growing as a person.
I give the growth that is not growth as a person up to The Universe.