Life Coaching For Miscellaneous Silliness

Dear Coach,
What’s the story with people tilting their heads when they’re having their picture made? And south of the equator, do heads tilt in the opposite direction?

Sincerely,
Dubious About the Sincerity Of Their Smiles

Dear DATSOTS,

Ah, The  Millennials. Or perhaps you are referring to Women Of A Certain Age who believe arranging their bodies with the care of a mortician arranging a corpse for an open casket funeral will perhaps fool the world into believing they are not knee deep in hot flashes and standing prescriptions for Premarin cream. We believe the Head Tilt is a way of signaling the Mothership it’s a good time for Justin Bieber to release another single in the attempt to sap us of our bodily juices.

Anyhoodle, SLC does not like to have pictures taken of ourself because we believe it steals the tiny little piece of our soul we have left.

Yours,

SLC

 

Dear Life Coach,

My husband wishes to incorporate bacon into our bedroom time. What should I do?

Worried,

Jess

Dear Jess,

Are you vegan? Do you keep kosher? We do not see a problem here. A delightful breakfast in bed of bacon and waffles will fortify you for any Cosmo-approved randiness. So what if he wishes to eat the bacon off you whilst you recite the story of The Three Little Pigs? Do your thing, girl.

As Always,

SLC

 

Dear “Life Coach”,

This feature blows.

You suck

Dwayne

Dear Dwayne,

Your lack of appropriate punctuation leads us to believe your name is also a pejorative term for the part of your anatomy which has never gotten closer to a woman than that time you were standing behind one whilst in line at the drugstore for your anti-fungal cream.

Also? Your mom.

xxxooo,

SLC

 

Life Coaching for Family

Dear Standard Life Coach,

When my mother-in-law likes a piece of clothing or color I wear, she tells me it looks “well” on me. I don’t think this could be right. What do I do?

Signed,

Lovely in Puce.

Dear LiP,

Ah, yes. Standard Life Coach feels your pain. Being told that color looks well on you is a compliment to the color, not to your own cute self. And we’re not aware that a watermelon linen big shirt can get sick, so we’re not sure how it can ever be well. It can FIT well, yes. LOOK well? Nay.

We would say celebrate the fact your wannabe pretentious MIL compliments you at all! And, as always, resist the urge to thank her for the compliment since the sweater you’re wearing had a bit of a head cold last week.

Sincerely,

SLC

Dear Life Coach,

My sister gets royally pissed whenever she goes to a restaurant which does not have a dairy-free option for her daughter with a milk allergy, a gluten-free option for her son with a wheat allergy, or a nut-free environment for her youngest son who I don’t really think has a tree nut allergy, I think he’s just a brat.

I never want to dine with her in public because it’s such an ordeal. What can I do?

Signed,

Inedible  in Indianapolis

Dear IiI,

First, we know to what your pseudonym refers, but that does not make it any easier not to snicker at it.

Now, on to business. Yes, SLC shares your pain of trying to dine with someone with bad restaurant karma. SLC firmly believes restaurants are under no obligation to fulfill the wishes of those with strict dietary restrictions. We believe it is incumbent upon the person (or parent of the person) with dietary restrictions to do due diligence before dining out.

The bigger issue might be how not to be a royal pain in the ass. We believe if people such as your sister didn’t have allergies to bitch about, they’d just find something else. Our guess is she has never ordered off the menu and never said please-n-thank you, and so has therefore eaten a lot of spit and snot in her time. We are not sure how eating spit affects the cognitive process, but it can’t be good for a person.  We would not accept dining out invitations with her simply on the guilt-by-association principal–meaning you shouldn’t have to eat spit just because she’s high maintenance. Stop going out with her. Fake cramps or an impending library book due date if you must.

With Sympathy,

SLC

Dear Coach,

I found my husband and his best friend watching an episode of Weeknights With Giada with the sound turned down. Should I be concerned? Becasue I am. And also freaked out. 

Help,

Food Porn Interventionist

Dear FPI,

Only if they also had Barry White on the stereo. Boys can’t resist the shimmy. Chill out with some reeeCOTtah and keeAHNtay.

In Solidarity,

SLC

Life Coaching For Free Play

You must be the best You You can be to be the best You for Others. This is critical. In order to be the best You, You must act with specific intentions. This is very important. If You go a willy nilly with Your intentions, Karma will turn around and Pop Your Jaws.

People ask me all the time, “Life Coach,” and I stop them right there because I prefer to be called Oh, Beautiful Radiant One Whose Skin Is So Soft and Moist and Young Looking And Whose Butt Looks Really Good In Those Jeans. But then they just roll their eyes and press on.

“Life Coach, my personal journey cannot be traveled alone. I’ve tried, but every time I try to sneak away the little bastards find me. HOW can I be the best me when I can’t get rid of the worst Them?”

This is a tough one. Toddlers are notoriously bad drivers, so you can’t really give them the keys to the Sienna and a fifth of Jack and expect them just to run for the border. Oh sure, they’d make it out of the driveway and that might buy you a few minutes of blessed silence before the sirens started screeching, but that’s about it. The key to being the You You can be whilst taking care of Them can be summed up in two words. Two words. Are you listening?

Pillow. Fort.

The problem with your life is you don’t have a pillow fort. Or if you do, you’re sending Them to it when you should be hunkered down in there with a wheel of brie and a bottle of Merlot. It is a well known fact, learned when playing peek-a-boo, if They can’t see you, you don’t exist. Sure, there will be some screaming for Mommy for a while, but once the get their little mitts on the remote and realize Mommy’s not going to stop them from a full-on Elmo orgy, they’ll be fine. Leave out some cut up hot dogs and Cheetos and they won’t miss a beat.

Pillow forts also serve an important purpose. If you don’t teach your children about the dangers of hot lava, WHO WILL? What are you going to do when they go to a friend’s house and have to pile the sofa pillows on the floor because the room is filling up with hot lava, huh? Or alligators? Or drugs? Or lobbyists? THEN WHAT?

But Life Coach, you say, I have no kids. SO THE HELL WHAT? They’ll only ruin it anyway. Face it, they’re just going to make you talk to their teddy bears and have tea parties while you’re keeping the Nazis at bay, eating hardtack, and drinking whiskey. You’re problem, dear reader, is you’ve lost your ability to play. When was the last time you consciously avoided  a crack, huh? And how is your mother’s back these days? J’ACCUSE!  Play is important, friend. If you’re taking everything so seriously you’re just going to get an ulcer. Then you’ll have to trade your wine for Gelusil and bananas and that will just make you even pissier.

Maybe you’re not a pillow fort person. Life Coach is picking up what you’re putting down. There’s finger painting, jumping rope, Tinkertoys, Lite Brite, and Tranformers. You could build a treehouse, play dress-up, or make up a song as you go along. Maybe you’ve got a need for Axis and Allies or Settlers of Catan. IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Just play.