Every Pizza Product Development Meeting Ever

greasypizzaEd: Okay, let’s get started. From our focus groups we know a few things. One, people have totally not noticed we don’t use the Pizza Table–or as some folks call it, the Pizza Saver–in the center of our pies anymore. Apparently we have been doing a first-rate job of keeping the extra cheese off the lids these days. Two, we need more products that use “zilla” somehow in the name. Three, dang it all. These people are crazy about the bread, I tell ya.

Bill: Now, when you say zilla, I guess you mean something like Meatzilla, Porkzilla, or last year’s blockbuster PEPPERONI DOUBLE CHEESE STUFFED FRIED CRUST PIZZILLA?

Ed: Yes, exactly. We had a great synergy going with that campaign. So let’s just get crazy. Let’s push the envelope, do a little blue sky thinking, throw some ideas on the wall and see what sticks, okay?

Reese: You know, my wife and I went to this Oriental place and they had these little boxes that were compartmentalized like, you know, like a Whitman’s Sampler almost. Each one had a different item. Of course, I’m not like Liz. I fish with bait, I don’t eat it! (Pauses to enjoy hearty chuckles) But I’m wondering if we can’t use something like that?

Bill: Now, that’s not a bad idea. You know, at my house no one ever wants the same thing. And Angie, bless her, always wants something healthy like pasta. I say the horse is out of the barn on that one, if you know what I mean! (Pauses to enjoy hearty chuckles) Anyway, we could let our customers choose maybe four items to go in a box like at that Oriental place.

Ed: I like it! We could give them a choice of our Three-Cheese Vegetarian Kream Sauce Side Pasta or our Meatzapalooza Kream Sauce Monster Lite Side Stuffed Shells for those ladies who like the pasta. Then they can choose one from our Thick Thick Thick Monster SaltedButterGarlicPowder Crust Pizza Collection

Don: And let’s not forget our Phresh Phrom The Oven Breaded Bread Stixx Collection.They can choose Plain Ol’ Breaded Bread Stixx, Sweet Polynesian Glazed Breaded Bread Stixx, Honey Mustard BBQ Memphis Style Smoked Breaded Bread Stixx, or Flavor Blasted Ranch Giddyup Breaded Bread Stixx.

Bill: Good one! Then add our new Cinnamon Sugar Chocolate Honey Slathered Dipping Apple Dessert Stixx, and if they want to make it a Winning Family Dinner Nite Combination, add two two-liter bottles of our new private brand Suk-It-Down-Yer-Gullet Soda. And that way Mom can get her diet soda to watch that figure…get bigger and bigger!! (Pauses for hearty chuckles)

Ed: Maybe we should give them a choice of two Stixx? Oh, I know. We can add that as an upsale to the WFDN Combo. I’m telling you, our customers love the carbs. So we’ll keep punching out–and bringing in–the dough! (Hearty chuckles ensue without pause)

Reese: And I think this is a good time to do the promotion with that kids’ diabetes group that’s been nagging us. Our customers can add a dollar on to the price of our…wait, what are we calling this?

Bill: Family Exxxtravaganza Combo Box Pizzilla Flavorpocolypse!

Ed: And a great value at only $19.99! And that charity tie-in is publicity gold. Man, sick kids. Makes you wonder if their parents ever pay attention to what the little guys are sticking down their gullets. Next item of business is our new home video game station/internet order station.

 

 

Note: This is the post I had ready to go before I had to do battle with Batrodent and his grappling gun who’s up in my rafters eating insulation and fighting crime. Also, do not take this as total disdain of the chain pizza restaurant industry. Sometimes you just gotta have that salty greasy goodness.

 

Grease. It’s What’s for Dinner

I want pizza.

Not REAL pizza. Big Chain delivery pizza. Pizza made of stuff that, in a comic book,  would turn your average Joe into a mutant zombie ten foot chipmunk with a radioactive tail that was also an antenna and who could beam his laser eyes at people who use the word “jeggings” and their heads would explode OR they’d be forced to watch a 24 hour Wizards of Waverly Place marathon. I’m saying I want nitrates.

I want a pizza with so much salt in it my ankles will swell up to the size of basketballs. I don’t want to be able to take my wedding ring off tomorrow.  I want pizza topped with cheese-food. Yeah, that’s right. Not real cheese. The stuff real cheese EATS. I want emulsifiers. I want protein gels.  I want MELTY.  And, AND, I want to dip that shit in Catalina dressing. You heard me. Fake fake-French dressing, that’s what. Oh, not EVEN Catalina. This stuff my father-in-law brought into my home that is nothing, as far as I can tell, but ketchup, sugar, and liquid smoke.  And, yeah, I OWN THAT.

I want a pizza that will keep me up all night crying for my mommy. I want heartburn so legendary that my children’s children will talk about. I want to order from the Specialty Pizza side of the menu. I want a pizza with a name that must be capitalized: MEATZILLA or PIZZAGEDDON or PIZZA DESTROYER or MEATZAPALLOOZA. Three toppings? Oh, HELL NO. Bring it. You got four kinds of sausage? Deliver that tasty bastard to my mouth. Bacon? Need you ASK? Veggies? Not unless you know about a pepperoni tree.

BRING ME STUFFED CRUST. I want a gushy, molten ring of cheese lava magically baked into my crust. I want it brushed with fake butter and garlic powder. I want to bite into that thing and I want my tongue to be burned with the heat of a thousand tanning beds. I want to top it with parmesancheesefood the consistency of talcum powder.  I want the cheese in the cheese-stuffed crust to be stuffed. I want a warning on the box from the Surgeon General that says: IF YOU EAT THIS, YOU DESERVE WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT, DUMBASS.

So, yeah, I can make three-course meals with ingredients imported from all over the world like saffron picked only on Tuesday nights when the moon is full by virgins who only eat tangerines and chocolate sprinkles. I can spend an hour getting all philosophical about The Perfect Tomato or the squash my husband is growing. I have gotten tears–TEARS–in my eyes from a perfect peach. But tonight? The only thing local about this meal is going to be the delivery.

I want The Pizza From Hell.