Okay, let me tell you why I haven’t written anything. See, I messed up my knees. No, I don’t write with my knees, on my knees, or anything like that. It goes like this blah blah blah exercise blah blah blah bad shoes blah blah blah narcotics. And for whatever reason, whatever I sprained hurt like a mother when I sat down. I don’t like to write standing up. Throws off my balance. So there’s that.
So now I’m here because I’m putting off decorating the Christmas tree. I have this pathetic, naked tree just sitting there, mocking me. The stockings are hung from the curtain rod with care–lots less tacky than it sounds. We don’t have a mantle, but that doesn’t stop me from hanging them with care. I’ve got greenery and wreaths up. But the tree? The tree silently awaits its adornment.
And I say it waits silently for a reason. Not all Christmas decorations are mute. There are dancing, singing Santas, snowmen, reindeer, and apparently wreaths. I know this because I was out to the Big Lots the other day and overheard a lady make the following comment about a wreath: ‘Ats purdy, but hit don’t sang. I wont one ‘at sangs.
This fine lady wanted a singing wreath. You know what I say to that? If that woman does not get her singing wreath, the terrorists have won, my friends. The terrorists have won.
Is there anything that sums up an American Christmas better than a singing wreath? I’d like to know what it is. You hang the greenery of the winter solstice to honor the birth of Christ. And you can’t see it because it’s on your door. It exists purely for the delight of your mailman, UPS driver, and random carolers. It’s a decoration for other people to covet. And the singing? Well, the singing just comes right out and says, I’m an American, dammit! And if I want to adorn my house with festive plastic greenery that uses a nine-volt battery (not included) to belt out a variety of secular and spiritual songs, I’ll have it! Because in America, even our holiday decorations are so full of mirth, they greet weary holiday guests with tinny songs of joy! And that’s why THEY hate us! Because it took American ingenuity to create such a production! Yes, it’s made in China, but that matters not! Because every time some Chinese woman inserts the digital music chip into one of those fine plastic, snow-tipped realistic cedar and pine creations, she thinks WOW! What must it be like to be an American and have fine musical evergreens hanging on a door? What must it be like to have my own front door?
Yes, this poor woman who had the unfortunate luck not to be born American will never know the joys of going to the mall three days before Christmas because, well, did you know it’s on the 25th every year? And we have to make sure we get all those last minute gifts wrapped at the store, mmkay? Because there’s no warmth like that of being packed against a sweaty grandma in a fleece Rudolph sweatshirt who reeks of the 4,385 perfumes she’s just tested to see which ones have the best gift set deal to give to her whining, ungrateful bitch of a granddaughter. And how do you know this about little KhymberleeDawnSanddeeBelle? Well, because Granma Rudolph Sweater just loves talking to new people! And you know what else? Have you noticed how many Mezzicans they got working to the Penny’s these days and how they always scrimp on the complimentary enclosure cards? She likes a burrito as much as anyone else, but they should stick to the cooking and not the wrapping! You know they just take those jobs until they can have those anchor babies here. Then it’s Uncle Sam to the rescue when it comes time to feed the little senorita! But she’s not racist, Granma Rudolph Sweater! No, there’s a Mezzican lady lives two doors down and her kitchen is spotless, if you can believe that! She makes tamales for the neighborhood sometimes, can you imagine?
And still my naked and mute tree sits waiting patiently for its baubles. And I will adorn it. I will decorate the tree by myself. And when I get it decorated and lit, I will yell out the same thing I yell out every year: NO ONE BUT ME IS ALLOWED TO LOOK AT THIS TREE!! I PUT IT UP BECAUSE I LIKE IT! NOT SO YOU CAN ENJOY IT WITHOUT TAKING PART IN ITS RITUAL ADORNMENT AND DISMANTLING! IF I CATCH YOU LOOKING AT IT, I WILL BLIND YOU WITH A TURKEY BASTER! GOT IT? And my family will laugh, thinking I am not serious. Oh, I’m serious. But I’m also patient.
Very, very patient.