It’s such a beautiful day. I hate to ruin it by bitching. HA! Gotcha! Not really.
The champagne toast. What’s up with that?
A champagne toast is popular with people who throw a wedding reception and only pop for booze for the toast to The Adorable Couple. If you see or hear the words “champagne toast” anywhere in the description of the reception, here’s what’s going to happen…
The bride (in a strapless dress a size too small because she lost her freaking mind planning the wedding) and the groom (in a rented tux with some ridiculous vest like made of camouflage or something) will go stand in front of their cakes. Plural. Because now you have to have a wedding cake that’s nothing but fondant and cardboard and then you have to have a groom’s cake which will attempt to be humorous, but will not be, NOR will it be as freaking awesome as the armadillo cake in Steel Magnolias because after twenty-something years, that’s been done to death.
The Adorable Couple will then be handed their champagne glasses. Now, this is important. These glasses will come from the “bridal china” section of the department store where they registered. The will probably be etched with initials and the wedding date. Possibly, if you’re lucky, they will have some sort of champagne-flute-corsage attached to the stem. Possibly they will come with a holder filled with sand so you can keep your flutes, uh, sandy for the rest of your marriage. Like such…
Now, the bride, grasping her precious flute in a French-manicured-with-rhinestone-accents-hand,
will try not to cry while her daddy quotes from that creepy song about butterfly kisses.
The groom is busy thinking about how he’s going to take the garter off, but GET THIS! He’s going to pretend when he puts his hands up her skirt, THAT SOMETHING BIT HIM! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, vagina dentata jokes! How we laughed! Also, her garter will be camouflage to coordinate with his tux. DUH.
You’ll be standing there with your punch containing NO hooch, BUT it will contain orange sherbet. Now, that right there is awesome punch. I don’t care who you are, any time ginger ale and sherbet is combined, it’s a party.
You got to the designated Champagnetoast Viewing Area by being corralled by a very zealous maid of honor, who ran around yelling, “Y’ALL COME ON FOR THE CHAMPAGNETOAST! MISTEELYNNAPRILMODINEMARIE AND JOSHCONNERCARTERWEBSTER ARE ‘BOUT TO HAVE THE CHAMPAGNETOAST!!”
They will then toast and–wait for it–STUFF CAKE IN EACH OTHER’S FACE!! Isn’t that the damn funniest? Misteelynnaprilmodinemarie’s Aunt Glossie (don’t ask) tells you that Joshconnercarterwebster has been planning for THREE months that he’s gonna stuff that cake right in her mouth and smear it all over her face!
It is at this point, thinking what that could mean for the wedding night, that you slink out, call your best girlfriend, and arrange to meet for martinis.
You totally miss the Removing Of The Garter and The Tossing Of The Bouquet. Well, the bouquet for tossing. The bride has two. Her bouquet will be preserved and set in A Place Of Honor so she can see it every day, and in ten years, she’ll still be gazing upon it wondering why she dropped out of dental hygienist school to marry that jackass Joshconnercarterwebster whose idea of foreplay is poking her and asking if she’s awake. No, she could be providing for herself, learning a foreign language, or drinking champagne. But no. She wanted a wedding, not a marriage. And that’s what she got.
My point is this. “Champagne toast” is a stupid term. Do you pour champagne on toast and let it turn to mush? Like when you’re sick? Maybe you have a cold and you’re really fancy, so you have champagne-toast instead of milk-toast? Seems soggy. And a waste of good booze.
Whatever. I hate that term.