Tag Archives: politics

What The Hell?

8 Dec

What the hell is going on? I mean, WHAT. THE. HELL? I just stood up from my desk and applauded Paul Ryan for something other than that awesome beard he’s working on.

We have got to stop leaving milk on the porch for Trump. I think it’s a brilliant move by Hillary’s people to put him on the payroll. Talk about a strategy. Make the other guy look batsh…wait. I am just being informed the talking hairball is not actually on Hillary’s payroll. He’s an actual GOP candidate.giphy

So, we’re going to ban Muslims. Welp, we already thought they should go around nekkid, so I guess that’s a logical next step. We do love a good ban. And they always work so well. Those bans on Chinese and liquor worked out pretty well, right? And so cost effective.

While I’m wound up, THERE IS NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS. Every year we do this same thing. WHO is telling you to shove it when you say “Merry Christmas?” I think maybe the issue isn’t a war on Christmas, it’s more like you’re hanging out with assholes. If you think there’s a war on Christmas, stop shopping. That will cause a detente PDQ.

jingle deez

I get it. The country is becoming brown and you’re scared. Look, you cannot get more WASP than I am. My blood is not red. It’s madras plaid. My parents referred to my afternoon feedings as cocktail time. My church has a Bloody Mary bar. My family goes back to the first white settlers up in this here country. And you know what? I ain’t skeerd. Of course I have a uterus, and that means I’m better regulated than an AK, so I’m pretty safe.

Many Americans don’t know that the first draft of the Second Amendment was actually, “A well-regulated uterus, being necessary for the security of a free State…” It didn’t stay that way. When the delegate–whose name is lost to time–got to “uterus”, the other delegates were all like, “EEEEEEWWW! Lady bits! Forsooth! Brah, you’ve been bewitched. Change it to militia and we’re good. Now, who wants a brewski? Sam’s been working on a pumpkin ale.” But the ghost of that patriot uterus still haunts our national policy. Much like the idea that the little-known delegate Josiah Montrose Starbuck had for hot pumpkin spice drinks which he wrote on the back of a draft of the Third Amendment, and was not found until 2004 when an enterprising ancestor thought it might be nice in the fall.


In conclusion, GET OFF MY YARD!


Well, That Didn’t Take Long

12 Feb

sweet fancy mosesSee, it’s like riding a bike. My righteous indignation is back!!

Explain to me HOW IS THIS NOT BIG GOVERNMENT? You don’t want regulation of oil companies. You don’t want the government telling companies they have to pay for their employees’ whore pills, but this? This magnificent pile of horse excrement is just dandy? From thinkprogress.org:

A Republican lawmaker in Montana wants to prevent women from wearing leggings as pants, and he hopes that his proposed bill to strengthen the state’s indecent exposure law will be a step in that direction.

This week, State Rep. David Moore (R) introduced House Bill 365, which would outlaw “any device, costume, or covering that gives the appearance of or simulates the genitals, pubic hair, anus region, or pubic hair region.” Under that legislative language, “tight-fitting beige clothing” would likely be banned, according to the local lawmaker.

The Billings Gazette reports that Moore would have preferred to ban yoga pants of all colors; he favors giving the cops the power to arrest people for wearing “provocative” clothing. But HB 365 stops short of that because Moore wasn’t sure whether it would be possible for police to enforce a broader ban.


It’s okay because it’s the state and not the federals? It’s okay because otherwise women might want to dress the way we damn well please even if it’s beyond the scope of taste, reason, and comfort? Men are giant Penis Beasts who can’t control themselves? I’m not sure what we’re about here with the dress codes. People get mad at people whose clothes are too tight, but also mad if they’re too baggy. Take that link if only because the Ocala, FL councilwoman who backs the ban has this to say, “Everyone’s saying I’m targeting young black men…I’m black. I’ve been black for a long time, why would I be targeting black men?” I love everything about that statement. The ridiculous logic. The fact one thing has nothing to do with the other. The idea she may have been born Korean.

Me? I got no issue feeling safe around a dude whose pants are literally around his ankles. What’s he going to do? I mean, he could trip on me to death. And while I wholeheartedly agree that leggings are not pants (FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS), just ask any mother of a middle-schooler: You cannot legislate taste.

I am constantly amazed at the way the faux conservative’s mind works. He believes in personal responsibility, goddammit. But can’t be trusted around women in Lycra. Government can’t tell him where he can pray, but we should lock up Muslims. Laws take away our freedoms, but we should outlaw nipples in public. Even when they are being used for their actual purpose because BOOBIES!

I’m just curious. How will this impact ski pants? Isn’t skiing kind of important for the Montana economy? And can’t those things get a little tight?

I’ll be back Monday when I’ll probably go back to talking about drinking fabric softener.

My SuperStrate Marriage™©: Over The Weekend

1 Jul

superstrate marriage rainbowSuch a heteronormative weekend we had. THANK GOD. Chuck did some work in the yard. Grilled a large slab of meat. I took to my fainting couch with a very lady-like migraine. He had a good ride on his SuperStrate™© Man Bike.



Morning #1: My SuperStrate Marriage™©

27 Jun

coffee potAs I said yesterday, I’m going to be popping in here and there to talk about what the demise of DOMA means for my marriage. I’m a heterosexual woman. My husband is a heterosexual man. Therefore, forthwith, and heretofore, we are not gay married. BUT! As we all know, letting two consenting adults of the same sex get married makes a MOCKERY of marriage. It leads to men marrying dogs. And dancing.

I’ll admit I feel a little less married this morning. Chuck didn’t make coffee and while it could be he was just running late, I think he feels it too. I think he’s questioning the very foundation of our relationship. Coffee ennui is an early sign of a collapsing marriage. I’m sure he thought about all the mornings he woke up and made coffee knowing his loving wife would later stumble into the kitchen and thank the stars she married another caffeine addict. And I’m sure his next thought was now, the way it’s going, it’s not just straight people who will have that bond. Married homosexuals across the land were also waking up and reaping the benefits of a loving, early-rising partner who was equally addicted to caffeine.

I just…I just need a moment.

My SuperStrate Marriage™©

26 Jun

Forget gay marriageAre you as bored with my saying I don’t understand what it means to be conservative as I am with not understanding what it means to be conservative? Today SCOTUS tossed out DOMA, a federal law. ONE LESS FEDERAL LAW, PEOPLE! Why are so few of my right wing buddies dancing in the streets? OH! Wait! I remember. With DOMA gone, now I can marry my car, right? And my gay dog can marry my gay goldfish and then adopt a little human Asian baby they can dress in the most fabulous clothes from Baby Boden.

Now that DOMA is gone and California’s Prop 8 is pretty much dunzo, I think I’ll start a log of all the ways teh gay marriage is going to threaten My SuperStrate Marriage™©. So. For the next few days I’ll be chronicling like such. I can tell you this, already I feel a little less feminine. Granted, it might have something to do with the fact I sat out in Standard Shed this morning and forgot to turn on the AC and a raging case of swamp ass began to creep up on me, BUT I JUST KNOW IT’S THE LESBIANS!

I think tomorrow it’s really going to sink in. The gayness. The deterioration of the morality, sanctity, and missionary-style sexiness of My SuperStrate Marriage™©. As it is, I just saw a picture of Ellen Degeneres and thought WOW! Her skin is lovely! I must have this Gay Olay she uses. Will I want to leave the love of my life and move to an all-womyn commune and spend my days rewriting children’s classic books to be gender neutral? Will I become overly fond of the Canadian Tuxedo? Will I listen to nothing but Ani DiFranco? Will Chuck still find me attractive when I wear nothing but flannel? Okay, that’s kind of moot. I’m really fond of seasonally-appropriate flann….OH GAWD! It’s already started!!

Stay tuned, friend(s). I’ll be charting the demise of My SuperStrate Marriage™© right before your very eyes!


6 Nov

Four years ago, I watched the election returns from a Holiday Inn off the 240 Loop. It sounds more sordid than it really was. I was called for jury duty and, because my luck is nothing if not stellar, I was sequestered. One of the things Shelby County does really well is scheduling for jury duty. You get to pick the week you’re called. Knowing this, I voted early. We were, along with our bailiffs, allowed to watch the returns.

I didn’t serve in the military. I have no interest in any job that involves campaigning. And while I think both the jury system and electoral system are flawed beyond reason, I vote and I serve on a jury.  There was something about sitting in a hotel room with more than a dozen other citizens, all strangers, watching history being made. I’d have preferred to be watching the returns with my family, but it was still a little patriotic jolt to get the results the way I did.

This year I’ll be plopped in front of the television in the den, kid on one side, husband on the other. Hopefully something in front of me involving items from the wine, pickle, and cheese groups.

And I will, as I was four years ago, be missing Tim Russert.

My Impression Of The Internet

19 Oct

Ladies and Gents,

My impression of any and every internet conversation ever.

By Jessicadoub (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0) or GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)], via Wikimedia Commons